Ah, cheap beer: The drink of champions and the breakfast of alcoholics. These noxious, carbonated beverages have been there for me when my bank account and self-esteem were running low. It has been the catalyst for innumerable power hours, misconceived hookups and reckless sprints to the bathroom. And so it is only fair to step up to the keg and defend cheap beer's superiority to boxed wine, not to mention hard liquor, Mountain Dew and purified water.
Here are a few reasons why your next party should be fueled by the 5.9 percent alcoholic goodness of cheap beer:
It's, uh, cheap
Unlike liquor, heroin or a therapist, cheap beer won't burn a hole in your wallet. It will, however, burn a hole in your gastrointestinal lining. But aren't the caustic properties of a good ol' "Natty Ice" worth its economic value? A family-sized 12-pack of cheap beer will cost you only $4.99, whereas a box of wine can be priced upwards of $10. Do the math (If you're not too hung-over).
Beer is manly
Short of sloppy fistfights and the condescension of women, there is nothing manlier than cheap beer. I would know! I drink cheap beer all the time, and just look how manly I am. Find out for yourself: Pound a few Beasts and see what happens. Beating up on your friends yet? Making racist jokes? See, cheap beer can make anyone a man - even a gutless wimp. Unfortunately for the boxed wine connoisseurs, cheapo vino is about as testosterone-laden as a PTA meeting. Drink that stuff and you'll be watching "Golden Girls" reruns and smoking Virginia Slims in no time.
Brown-bag it anywhere
Cheap beer comes in a convenient container that can be opened (almost) anywhere, at anytime. Can you say the same of boxed wine? No, I don't think so. Imagine cracking open a box of wine during a barbeque or at a football game or during your evening block class; there's just no way to be discreet. With cheap beer, you just stick the can in a brown paper bag and you're good to go. They even make cute little foam cozies for beer cans. Do they make foam cozies for boxed wine? No, sirree.
Use your head
OK, tough guy, try crushing a box of wine against your forehead. Lesson: People who wish to avoid head injuries drink cheap beer!
Boxed wine is for wannabes
I'm sorry, but boxed wine is arguably the most pretentious beverage in the world. I'd say expensive seltzer is more pretentious, but at least Perrier comes from France, not northern New Jersey. Consider who drinks boxed wine: Tacky people who are too poor to afford real class, but still wish to mask their trashiness with the thin veil of an ersatz zinfandel. These are the same people who buy fake handbags and put ice cubes in red wine. That box of Franzia is not fooling anyone. Why not embrace your third-class status and serve cheap beer with those microwaved hot dogs? Cheap beer might be trashy, but at least it's not pretending to be something it isn't.
Considering half the people at this school will drink anything with a proof higher than mouthwash, it's safe to say that many are cheap beer loyalists already, but for those who aren't, give beer a try. At least when you vomit, it won't stain your bed sheets.
