When I got this gig at The Eagle I made some promises to myself. Perhaps my most important rule I made was to never editorialize. I mean, anyone can get a silly column and use it to talk about how crappy capital punishment is or how handicapped ramps should be steeper. I just wanted to write and hopefully be funny, and hopefully offend some people, and hopefully everyone would be happy.
But, here I am, three columns into the ol' "Rusty Nail," and I am preparing an editorial. Well, I guess it's a combination of an editorial and a rant, which my rules allow. I guess rantorials are OK. Yes, that seems like a perfectly logical rationalization. So, here we go.
The last Thursday edition of The Eagle had a nice front-page story about how American University officials, namely Gail "Force" Hanson (crappy pun alert!), threatened judicial action against anyone who may have obliterated the Quad during Hurricane Isabel. Apparently there are rules against playing football, mud wrestling or having any sort of fun whatsoever in the Quad if it's raining. So the football player boys, God bless 'em, and the drunken naked girls wrestling with each other, God bless 'em, are being confronted with a $100 fine for turning what was once the pride of the AU grounds crew into a veritable mud pit.
All right, here are the things that are wrong with that situation. First and foremost, Public Safety said it was A-OK to play football in the Quad. And it wasn't like people were playing and Public Safety looked the other way. People actually asked Public Safety, "Hey, can we play in the Quad?" And they responded "Yeah, sure." There, done! Permission granted, end of story. But according to AU officials, Public Safety can punish, but they can never give permission. I mean, it's not like they're considered the enforcers of the rules or anything.
Number two, doesn't a hurricane constitute as an act of God? Aren't acts of God covered by insurance? I mean, there's hurricane insurance at my house. When Hurricane Bob came around in 1991, it sure was nice to see my yard turn into a mud pit, lose power for a week, lose three trees and not have to pay a dime. Why can't this happen here? WHY!? I mean, don't we students pay $30,000 a year? Can't some of this money go to insurance? If insurance is too expensive, then fine, that's AU's choice to not buy insurance. AU didn't want insurance so they should pay the consequences. The students should not.
And shouldn't there be something in the AU budget for unforseen events? I mean, don't bad things happen? Doesn't AU have a contingency plan? Even if they don't, can't we save money from the ground maintenance budget? I mean, how many tulips do we need?
Actually, tulips are nice. I would rather look at tulips than at a nice green Quad that will just be walked on anyways. People like playing football in the rain, so next time the clouds open, the Quad will surely be re-ruined. Can't we spend $8,000 on better things? Like, I don't know, scholarships? We want more people to go here, so let's make eight new $1,000 scholarships and dedicate them to all of Hurricane Isabel's "victims" who couldn't handle life without electricity for a whole entire week. Good public relations. If there is anything this school loves, it's good publicity.
Which brings me to my conclusion. This school likes good public relations so much that it will never pursue judicial action against people for having fun with Public Safety's permission. If you are one of the students that the school asks for cash from, just call their bluff. Do not pay. I am positive that Judicial Affairs doesn't want additional 75-or-so cases on its docket. And really, what can they prove? Someone saw you muddy? Even in a judicial system as corrupt as AU's, that's not enough evidence to punish someone. So, take part in some good old civil disobedience and flip the bird at AU for pressuring broke college students into losing their hard-earned dollars for something as innocent as a football game.
