Hey kids! How's it hangin'? I only have 800 words, and I have plenty of stuff to say for once. So let's get going!
First and foremost, two shout-outs. The first is to Alpha Epsilon Phi for responding to my anti-"Sex and the City" column about a month back. I would like to thank the sorority for providing proof that someone is actually reading my column. Also, any good columnist should be getting mail from unhappy readers. And don't worry AEPhi, you'll never be the worst sorority on campus. That's what Chi Omega is for.
Second shout-out goes to Student Confederation President Nick Terzulli for standing up for the students in his "Quad-Gate" editorial last week. Kudos for defending the students against poor planning and a farce of Judicial Affairs.
OK, now to my real column. It's almost presidential primary season, and I am psyched. As a registered Democrat, I can't wait to see who comes out of the primaries with the Democratic nomination. What's even more fun is seeing the people that support each candidate. I'll go through 'em all, starting with the top tier candidates and working my way down to the "candidates" who deserve those quotation marks because they will never win.
Howard Dean
The most popular candidate here at AU and at most colleges, Dean has used the power of the Internet (and the dorks who love it) to lead the Dems in fundraising. The typical Dean supporter is ridiculously liberal and has completely ignored the fact that Dean is fiscally conservative and has an A-rating from the National Rifle Association. Details.
John Kerry or "Droopy"
Droopy is my candidate of choice, but only because I am also from the great Commonwealth of Massachusetts. Apparently, I am one of the few around here who support him and his futile attempt to pretend to both be liberal and conservative at the same time without anyone noticing.
Wesley Clark
Hey, if you're impressed by stars on someone's shoulder, this is your man. Clark is supported by liberals, despite the fact that he was a Republican all of two years ago. He even said he was happy with a Bush presidency. I'm sure that won't come back to haunt him.
Joe Lieberman
He's far too conservative for AU. This is the guy that once threatened to ban violent video games. Remember that the next time you're playing Halo. The thing that bugs me about Lieberman is that he refuses to campaign on the Jewish Sabbath. Hey, Joe, if you ever want to see a Jewish president, you have to campaign all seven days of the week. If Kennedy can ignore the Pope, you can ignore the Torah.
John Edwards
He's still in the race? How 'bout that. Real slick move running for president after half a Senate term and then putting all of your chips on winning the presidency. I'll be honest, I don't know any Edwards supporters. Not a one.
Richard Gephardt
The students here are far too wealthy to actually join a union and far too educated to believe that free trade is actually a bad idea. There goes Dick's support.
Al Sharpton
The first of the fun candidates. Actually, Al has impressed me in the debates. But there is no excuse for that haircut, and we haven't forgotten about Tawana either.
Carolyn Mosely-Braun
Any woman with a hyphenated name should only be supported by subversive feminists.
Dennis Kucinich
Finally, candidate No. 9. This is the man that the liberal Dean supporters would stand behind if they weren't so impressed by noise. Here's a fun fact: His daughter goes here! Cool! This is the man you vote for if you want the paparazzi hounding rugby parties.
Well, there you have it. Enjoy volunteering for your fave candidate, and may the best man (or woman) win! Of course, the primary is only half the battle. Just because the economy is tanking and the Iraq quagmire isn't getting any better, doesn't mean that George Bush will be a pushover in 2004. After all, as a socially conservative Republican, the moral authority to lead this great Judeo-Christian nation lies squarely on his shoulders. And I doubt that any Democrat can beat that sort of divine mandate.
