Hey, good news! I'm back, and better yet, I am now writing for The Eagle on a weekly basis! That's twice "The Rusty Nail," twice the fun!
Since this column is supposed to be a humorous take on AU life, I have run into a problem concerning my first column of the semester. Most students, myself included, have spent the last three weeks at wherever we call home. It's hard to grasp what's going on in D.C. from 500 miles away, so I needed to find something to write about.
Thankfully, something happened to me while I was home in Cape Cod that caught my attention and got me thinking about the urban lifestyle we all enjoy. It happened at a Dunkin' Donuts in South Dennis, Mass. Dunkin' Donuts has always been my temple. Its coffee and bagels just can't be beat. Its service and style have always been superior to the elitist nature of Starbucks or the decadently disgusting Krispy Kreme confections.
Then, it happened.
While waiting to order my usual medium French Vanilla Regular (formerly the most effeminate product that Dunkin' Donuts had to offer), a large brute of a man with a husky voice that screamed "white trash" made his order. He politely asked the cashier to serve him "a cinnamon latte with whipped cream and a double espresso with skim milk." It was as if the world had shook. Who orders this sort of thing at a D.D.?
I looked around and I finally noticed the signs. Last semester, Dunkin' Donuts had started serving cappuccino, espresso and lattes. Over the summer, frozen versions of these terribly silly products would be available. What had happened? Dunkin' Donuts, my source of caffeine and delicious bagel sandwiches, had succumbed to the pressures of Starbucks and Cosi. Though Dunkin' Donuts basically owns all of New England, the fancy-shmancy "coffee" houses had won the culture war.
I could understand this sort of thing happening here in D.C. The only place where you can get decent coffee around campus is Starbucks, which is too expensive and culturally important for me to give two hoots about. There are also Einstein Brothers and the Eagle's Nest, where they make you pour your own coffee. Isn't pouring coffee the "help's" job?
As you can see, I am stuck. I don't have many principles, but avoiding work whenever possible is certainly one of them. So is avoiding anything that is ridiculously popular for no reason, such as Starbucks (or the Dave Matthews Band, or "American Idol" or "Sex and the City"). I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Dunkin' Donuts serving lattes is just the final nail in the coffin.
I think it's time to do something about the tragic state of coffee in the District. I urge my readers to continue to buy their coffee. But, for the love of God, please stop ordering caf? mochas or iced chai. My goal is to have people just buying straight coffee. No ice, no caramel. The only exceptions are milk, cream, sugar and, because I am feeling especially generous to diabetics, artificial sweeteners. These candy-coffee substitutes are for the limp-wristed, sweater-vest-wearing sorts, and I have had my fill. Let's bring coffee back to the mainstream where it belongs. It may be bitter, it may be hot, but I believe that we can make coffee regain its status as the chosen drink of the college student through a boycott of anything that's coffee-esque, but not quite coffee.
On a side note, and in an effort to better my caffeine-addicted audience, send your thoughts about AU life and this column to me at rustynailed@hotmail.com. If there is something that amuses or annoys you at AU, tell me about it. It will also serve as a complaint box for people I annoy so that I no longer receive angry messages on my voice mail.
