Former AU Public Safety chief Carleen Colson, who was fired by the University last November after students and parents complained about her over-aggressive response to the sexual attacks that were occurring on campus, was named chief of the Iraqi National Police Force in a ceremony here yesterday.
In related news, three onlookers were killed when AK-47 bullets shot in the air by celebrating policemen fell to the ground - as they have a habit of doing.
Colson, whose new title is Exalted Grand Sultan for the Promotion of Virtue, Prevention of Vice, Protection of Americans and Cutter of Hands, is in charge of the entire Iraqi police force, including its 325 officers and 19 Mazda pickup trucks. The move gives her authority over 16 more trucks than she had control over at AU, although the AU police cars were purchased legally and not simply stolen from across the street and scrawled with the word "Police."
In the next few weeks Exalted Grand Sultan Colson is planning to adapt many of her practices and policies at AU to the new Iraqi police force. Like AU's police, the Iraqi cops will soon be issued pistols and submachine guns with which to more efficiently enforce the law. Like AU's police, Colson's new officers will respond quickly to crime, spending less time writing frivolous and expensive parking tickets, and will be among the best-trained in the world.
"Gosh, you know I really think it'll be a privilege to work here," Colson said at yesterday's ceremony. "You know, when I worked at the Harvard on the Potomac, before I quit - they didn't fire me, I quit - everyone loved the job I was doing because our department was just so trusted, and you know, everyone just thought it was great."
Students interviewed yesterday seemed happy for her, too.
"When I was walking back from Chapter last semester and got grabbed by some freak one night, I was really happy that Carleen drove all the way here from her house to comfort me. She told me that she would personally find the bastard who grabbed me - and when she did, I was so glad when she administered AU-style Street Justice to him," said one girl whose name we withheld for her protection, since only Women of the Night and of Low Repute walk alone past dusk, without a male escort, in any regard.
Colson's big move to Baghdad came after four months in which it seemed that she had just dropped off the earth. In fact, it wasn't until This Reporter did a Google search on her that it became clear that rumors that Colson had joined the Raelian Cult after leaving AU were totally unfounded. No, no, dear readers, the truth is much simpler than that. Until becoming the Iraqi Police's Top Dog yesterday, it seems that Colson had spent the past few months sword-swallowing in an off-the-strip Vegas club.
For her part, Colson said she couldn't be happier with her move East.
"You know, the greatest thing about this new gig is that I can still use my sword from the Starlight Casino & Lounge in Las Vegas," she said with a smile. "You steal TV? You steal car? You no respect my authority? OK - I cut off your hand"
