A friend of mine once equated sex to a cup of coffee. In Europe, he said, it is customary to have a shot of espresso before indulging in a cup. One thing must come after the first; there is a schedule to love-making. I've been thinking about this quite a bit. I think I know from where it stems. It's got to be from porno, right?
There is a set schedule in pornographic films. We all know what it is. The foreplay is vigorous and the sex long. But is this the way in which most people have sex? Our answers would be a hopeful yes, but looking at reality I'm afraid it just isn't so. As a follow-up to the column I wrote two weeks ago about finding sexual bliss, I will remind you that porno sex isn't what the majority of us are having. Well, maybe a couple of minutes of it.
So what is the normal schedule of events leading to intercourse? My guess was that men and women would say different things. But surprisingly, they didn't. If men and women want the same things, then why are our preferential differences so drawn out in magazines like Cosmo and Maxim?
Of course, this is a deep subject. The answer runs even deeper. Because of its versatility, sex can take on myriad roles. In a serious relationship, sex is a supplement and a fun activity in which couples can enjoy intimacy. Sex for singles is a little more varied and a bit more complicated. Magazines profit from this. They offer hope to readers looking for love and sex. They claim to let us in on the big secrets of the opposite gender. And we gobble it up.
When I asked my guy friends what their sex schedules were, they all looked at me strangely. One of them said there are no schedules, but others seemed to know exactly what I was talking about. Most of their answers were "foreplay," but added a little more detail. Then I asked my girlfriends and they all said the same thing.
It seems that despite the common stereotypes that label the genders' sexual preferences, the men and women I talked to did not display the staunch discrepancies portrayed in Cosmo. It's probably not the best idea for Cosmo to run a headline stating "Men and Women Like the Same Things." I doubt that would make it much money. In essence, instead of trying to bring men and women closer as people, both men's and women's magazines seem to exaggerate in order to sell their product. But maybe the title of my column this week should read something like that.
With my insatiable hunger for the truth of the matter, I tried to figure out the differences. Surely they had to exist. I made it a point to talk to my friends separately, away from the opposite gender. Again, I was startled to find that the girls and guys define foreplay the same way. Now maybe my friends are too freakishly similar, or maybe it is just the bias that is presented everyday.
It's not just magazines that are spreading these sexual stipulations. Films and TV contribute quite a bit with their "chick flicks" and Van Damme movies. Advertisements have always been produced to target a specific gender. Even the news I get on Netscape every morning has sections for men or women. There is no doubting that men and women are interested in different things outside the bedroom, but this new discovery of mine has turned my world upside down. Now I can't go anywhere without noticing the separation of our genders.
Sex is complicated. Everybody knows that. But talking to my friends this week has made me realize something that I never really thought about. It made me realize that we don't want different things - we need different things. Our natures as people are so individual that companies can profit immensely from exploiting our differences. But we're not all that different - just people looking for love, in any form there is.
