As I pretend to write this column, one roommate is having sex in her bedroom and the other is casually funneling a can of Natural Ice in the kitchen. I, of course, am watching "Law and Order" and revamping my profile on TheFaceBook.com. Procrastination is a cruel, intoxicating mistress.
With so many distractions, I could really use an intern of my own to write papers, complete assigned readings and prepare meals. Oh, sure, the very notion of hiring some undergrad minion to do my bidding sounds, well, incredibly appealing. But how could I sleep at night, having exploited my unpaid intern for his boundless enthusiasm and na?ve "Can do!" attitude?
Well, chances are that your internship adviser sleeps pretty damn well at night. And I'm willing to bet this is due in part to the free labor she weasels out of the Career Center's Job and Internship Fair each semester.
Ever been to the fair, which next occurs Oct. 7? With all the three-button suits and somber handshakes, it's like the College Republicans decided to throw a funeral party. Housed within the cozy confines of Bender Arena, recruiters from all commutes of life come to hawk their internship offerings, from editorial positions at the uppity Washington Post Company to "sales" opportunities at the inexplicable Enterprise Rent-A-Car. And the tables are arranged alphabetically, so that Chevy Chase Bank is conveniently next to the CIA, in case you don't make security clearance.
Even if internships aren't your thing, the fair is still a chance to witness fellow students come uncomfortably close with reality. Yes, my friends, this is what the future holds for you! Soon we seniors will be pounding the pavement in ill-fitting suits, searching not for an inconsequential internship, but for a salaried job - one that will allow us to live in a comfortable one-bathroom apartment, court an average-looking life partner and nurture our mounting alcohol problem! It's a good thing that I don't graduate until May because I can still afford to treat this second-to-last fair with scorn and self-conscious derision.
Though I poke fun at the fair for its mock-formality and vaguely exploitative undertones (Could someone please explain to me what an internship at Glaceau Vitamin Water entails?), I actually landed a decent summer internship because of it. Thanks, Career Center! By guiding me to a full-time, unpaid position in radio promotions, you rescued me from three sunny months of substance abuse, ineffable sloth and smiles.
Want to be rescued by the Career Center, as well? Just follow this checklist, which I'm sure you all were anticipating:
1. Don't wear a suit. Yes, the Career Center suggests full business attire for this fine occasion, but when was the last time you took fashion advice from an AU bureaucratic entity? My advice: Just say no to ill-fitting blazers and white pantyhose. Most internships won't require you to wear a suit anyway. Dress as yourself and you'll stand out in the sea of neckties and tasteful hemlines. After all, if Steve Perry can be taken seriously in painted-on jeans and a mustache, then you can get away with a Lacoste polo.
2. A resume should not be the first thing you offer the recruiter. A smile, a handshake, some questions about the company - those should take precedent. In fact, dropping the resume should almost seem like an afterthought. "Wow, your business seems really interesting. It's great that you offer such opportunities to students! Oh, and by the way, here's my contact information, in case you choose to hire me so that I can graduate with at least a scintilla of real-world experience." The aloof "I'm just here to browse" approach gets 'em every time.
3. Don't be caught in line at the Enterprise Rent-A-Car table. You are here to find an internship, not a rental cargo van.
4. Lastly, stop by the booth labeled "Mike Vallebuona, Inc." For a cool $275, I rented a booth of my very own! I'll be the one luring freshmen with hard candy and the promise of a prestigious "internship." Come and say hi. And don't forget to smile.
Michael Vallebuona is a senior journalism and CLEG major. Diary of an Intern runs every Thursday. badintern@gmail.com
