"If you don't like it," Homer Simpson once said of the United States, "go to Russia."
I took the advice of the obese cartoon lout, and here I am in Vladimir, two hours east of Moscow. But after just a month here, I know there's one American thing I shouldn't complain about: sports.
I've found that Russia isn't the land of hockey that I always imagined. My host is a sports fan, but his calculated apathy toward hockey reminds me of a Red Sox fan in late October. These people may in fact top Canadians when it comes to complaining about the American monopoly on the NHL.
Russians lament the loss of Pavel Bure, although by now I'm pretty sure Americans are willing to send him back. The retired Slava Fetisov is the hero though. He returned to the motherland to become the Minister of Sport.
Hockey is out for the New Russia and might just be associated with the country's authoritarian past. After all, the wannabe dictator of nearby Belarus has been known to lace up the skates on occasion. This is clearly a sport for outdated Soviet hard-liners.
So if hockey doesn't have a stronghold on Russia, then what sport does? Maybe it's wushu.
The country got lucky this fall and played host to the 10th European Wushu Championships. The event showcased Europe's best wushu-ists, who all hail from Russia, or Ukraine and sometimes Switzerland.
Wushu is similar to professional wrestling, but it is more intense. Athletes participate in a variety of fighting and dance competitions with moves out of a video game. Sometimes they even use swords, although Eastern Europe's finest wushu-ists are so graceful that no blood is spilled.
At first I assumed this was a minor event. Just because indoor professional lacrosse is on television in the United States doesn't mean it's the all-American sport. But after asking several locals, it's clear that for some wushu has replaced hockey as Russia's game.
But now it's the wushu offseason. Team Ukraine will wonder why it can't get a break from Russia, in politics and in sports. It will be a long winter for the Swiss team, which will contemplate how to send more than one representative to next year's championships.
Meanwhile in Russia, it will be a slow few months as people anxiously count down the days until spring workouts. And there will be nothing to divert the attention of sports fans, except hockey, which is about as passe as a Boris Yeltsin joke.
When I return home, I'll have to thank Homer for the advice. Now I can truly appreciate the meaning of American sports. Although no matter where I go, nobody will care about hockey.
