After Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry's recent slew of mishaps while talking sports on the campaign trail, I felt it was my duty to stop him from making any more mistakes.
Dear Sen. John F. Kerry,
Please stop pretending to be a sports fan.
As a concerned reporter for The Eagle, I decided I should take it upon myself to let you know about the goofs you have made that are disgracing our nation's greatest pastimes more than your numbers in the polls.
Prior to your acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention, you were given the honor of throwing the first pitch at a Red Sox game at Fenway Park. Big mistake.
Be honest with us John. You had to have known that you throw worse than the wimpy kid in the classic baseball movie, "The Sandlot." If people have forgotten about your throw, which landed about four feet in front of the plate, you're in luck.
Do yourself a favor the next time you are tempted to go windsurfing and ask your running mate to grab a couple mitts and a ball. Go in the backyard and work on your arm. Here's a hint: Most Americans couldn't afford to go windsurfing even under your proposed tax plan.
OK, so you threw an errant pitch - we former Little Leaguers all know that the dang ball can get away from you sometimes. But you had unfortunately already opened your mouth about sports - big, big mistake.
We were all so sure of your diehard commitment to the Red Sox. You had been at some games with a nice ball cap on, just like one of the guys. And then before the All-Star Game on July 13, you made us aware of a new mutant member of your favorite squad - Manny Ortiz. While Red Sox fans were left to ponder how a Manny Ortiz might fit into one uniform, you made us all aware that you have absolutely no clue what is going on in the world of sports - even in your home city.
And amazingly, you took your show on the road. At a rally in Michigan, a state you pretty much have locked up, you proclaimed your love for the Ohio State football program. To refresh your memory, you said, "I just go for Buckeye football. That's where I'm coming from."
Perhaps you've never watched "College Gameday" or even glanced at a fall sports page. Maybe you were ignorant of the fact that those two teams account for one of the biggest rivalries in the game. In either case, you were booed at your own rally.
No sooner had you recovered from that debacle when you played your final card. John, this has to be it. You should of known going into Wisconsin in order to win the state, you have to win over Green Bay Packers fans.
One shining rehearsed comment about Brett Favre would have been suitable. A testament to Vince Lombardi might have put you over the top. Instead, you referred to the holiest possession in all of Wisconsin, Lambeau Field, aka, the frozen tundra, aka, the most revered field in the NFL, as "Lambert Field."
In a state where people consider putting on a Packers shirt with two actual sleeves as getting dressed up on a Sunday morning, you somehow managed to outdo all of your previous debacles combined. Someone on your staff should have been on stage to shove an overstuffed cheesehead in your mouth before you could manage to damage yourself any worse.
There is no doubt that you are an intelligent human being, John. You certainly know your politics. But unfortunately for you, sports take place in the hearts and minds of the fans throughout all seasons - not just every four years. You have to keep up with this stuff if you want people to look at you as something more than a multi-gazillionaire.
Just a little heads up: pro and college football just started. Have someone brief you weekly on the lowdown before you give us your assessment of events. Also, a little thing called the World Series is approaching. This happens every October. Your boy Manny Ortiz might even make an appearance there, so be ready.
If you don't think this stuff matters, take a look at the polls. Since your goof in Green Bay, you've dropped behind your opponent by eight points in a state you had been leading in all summer.
