Attention wide-eyed and optimistic freshmen: Look at my headshot and study it well, for I am your internship guru.
I have journeyed to the Promised Land (read: Career Center) and back and - having effectively padded my resum? with such catchall phrases as "assisted in daily office operations" and the inevitable "drafted constituent letter responses" - I am ready to share my knowledge, experiences and cynicism with AU's huddled masses.
And, oh, what a huddled mass you'll be as you bitterly transfer from the Red line to the Orange line, en route to the congressional office of the Honorable X, where eight (credited!) hours of stapling, envelope stuffing and tedious chit-chat ("So, what's your major again?") await you.
The office staff greets you warmly at first but quickly tires of your incessant plea for even the smallest of chores. "Um, photocopy this article a few times and put it in the reception area," the staff assistant says, and your mouth all but waters at the prospect of such a tantalizing task. This is your life for the rest of the semester. You feel dirty, and you should.
Ha. I bet you're just itching to transfer to SOC and become a visual arts major, aren't you?
To be fair, not all internships are lifeless and dehumanizing. In fact, I've had a few that were actually fun, in a double-edged, ironic kind of way.
Take my internship this summer at an "easy listening" radio station, for instance. I like Faith Hill and Josh Groban as much as the next student newspaper columnist, but it took some time before I became accustomed to the endless rotation of pop standards and soaring power ballads.
Still, I absolutely loved driving to promotional sales events at used-car dealerships and county fairs in a huge Gloria Estefan-emblazoned minivan, mostly because cutting people off and giving them the bird became absurdly comical given the vehicle I was driving. (You should have seen me behind the wheel of the Celine Dion-tattooed Ford Expedition; that's when I'd unleash the real speed demon.)
I actually spoke to my boss about this - not about my passion for shamelessly self-promoting automobiles, but about how driving to and attending remote sales events kept my interest in the internship alive. I think she confused my moment of honesty for one of ass-kissery, but she nevertheless agreed with the point I was sort of, kind of making.
"To keep yourself from going crazy," she said, "you have to find what inspires you to come to work each day, even if it's only one little thing."
Well, that one little thing sure wasn't the pitiful paycheck I received every two weeks. I guess the Celine Mobile would have to do.
Of course, for every little thing you like about your internship, there will be about 10 huge things you resent about it. A few of those things might include the other interns with whom you work.
Only when you've landed an internship will you realize that there are people in this world more enthusiastic, sycophantic and annoying than you. To counteract their noxious ambition, utter something about your GPA "plummeting to a 3.95," thus immediately beating them at their own game. Also, if the offending intern goes to Georgetown, say you go to AU because your father is a dean.
No. 1 sign that you should avoid a fellow intern at all costs: She rides the Metro with her security badge hanging from a lanyard on her neck. Despite the shiny Capitol Hill decal on one side, please note that this device does not have magical powers. There is no need to wear it on the bus, in TDR or to class. We can already tell you're an aspiring cubicle jockey, so please spare us this unnecessary display of sad, misconceived self-importance.
But not all interns are egomaniacal or socially dysfunctional. Just remember that for every overeager intern with a hopeful eye on his future, there is a budding alcoholic intern with an eye on 5 p.m.
You can guess into which category I fall.
