Have you ever shot fish in a barrel? I'll admit that I haven't. The expression "shooting fish in a barrel" implies that it is an incredibly easy recreational activity. One could assume that shooting fish in a barrel is as easy as pie. I wholeheartedly disagree.
For gun novices such as myself (although I do have my rifle shooting merit badge), I think shooting fish in a barrel would be difficult. Let's say, hypothetically, you're 15 feet off the ground and you're aiming for a small bucket. I'm sure I could hit a fish, but it would take a while. Shooting at the fish point blank just seems needlessly dangerous.
I mention this because mocking the topic of this Rusty Nail is significantly easier than shooting fish in a barrel. At least I would think so. But, I could be mistaken. After all, the topic I'm about to tackle did receive a cherished "thumbs up" from the hard-to-please Eagle editorial board and has attracted a good deal of positive attention.
Of course, I'm speaking of those incorrigible panda bears.
Let's be honest. Unless you're an underclassmen, there is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON to be excited by those ceramic monstrosities. In case you're too young to be in the know, we did the exact same thing a few years ago with elephants and donkeys. I remember being pretty underwhelmed by those "canvases of artistic expression," so my reaction to the panda bears should be no different. And it isn't. Praise me for my consistency.
I never understood Washington, D.C.'s infatuation with the pandas. I hate pandas. I feel like they are the Dave Matthews Band of the animal world. They're wildly popular without any substance to back it up.
I assume that most people here have seen the pandas at the National Zoo. What a yawn-fest. If they're outside, they're hiding from the general public. If they're inside, you get to see two furry animals eating bamboo on an artificial rock. Wow. What a fun time.
Another real problem with the pandas comes from their very name. As a "journalist," I am forced to choose my words very carefully. As a "wordsmith," I find it totally offensive that panda bears are neither pandas nor bears. What an abuse of the English language!
Pandas are cute. I will make that concession. But do they really deserve to be represented throughout all of D.C.? I mean, they're on our Metro cards! Think of all the great things in Washington - all the bars, forts, universities and monuments. Apparently, D.C. cares more about two animals who choose extinction and bamboo over sex.
In fact, the pandas are so lazy, zoo officials have confirmed that the two creatures will never mate. That means less pandas in the long run and that's good. But I still hate that we're being duped by zoo public relations officials into showing concern for these two animals.
One may find it strange to hate one species of animal so much. I shouldn't be concerned with an animal that makes it habitat in Asia, no matter how many drawings of them they throw on the Metro passes. Much like the Dave Matthews Band, I don't really hate pandas. I just genuinely hate the people who love them.
I'll leave the DMB bashing for another column, but panda fan hatred is something that I think a lot of people share. Pandas are much like butterflies and dolphins in that they are adored by girls who are fat and/or stupid. I don't know why this demographic targets these three animals, but they eat it up like candy. And I can say without apology that I am under no obligation to placate the fat or the stupid.
When the pandas were first placed on the city streets, they were targets of vandalism. Though at the time I found that to be hilarious, I would hate for a student to go that route. I hate the pandas, but someone actually put effort into making one look like it was eating a watermelon (that one is by SIS). There's no need to destroy it.
However, I urge students to take action against the University. Inevitably, the school is going to buy a couple of these things at about $10,000 a pop. The school would rather have two artistic nightmares in the lobby of the new AU museum than spending it on, oh, I don't know, a scholarship for a couple of students.
The pandas represent some of the dumbest priorities I have ever seen put into action. I'm doing my part by writing this, I urge you to do yours by calling the school deans and president and telling them that we don't need no stinkin' pandas.
russ.allen@gmail.com
