Yellow bracelets that cost a dollar. You never know where the next fad will spring, do you? Indeed, these LIVESTRONG bracelets are this year's bell-bottoms or Starter jacket. Yellow could even be called the new teal. The best part? That dollar goes to charity! Finally, a way to look cool while showing your support for cancer patients. Well, leave it to me to spoil the fun. Someone needs to give LIVESTRONG bracelet wearers a firm rebuke and I am more than happy to volunteer for the post.
On my incredibly awesome www.thefacebook.com profile, one of the items on my list of interests is "caving in to university trends." It's true! I got a facebook profile to be cooler. I started drinking (a lot) to be cooler. Why not cave in and acquire a yellow bracelet? Won't it make me cooler? It probably would. But, the difference between facebook profiles (which make it easier to find classmates and whatnot), alcohol (which makes you drunk), and LIVESTRONG bracelets, is that the bracelets have no value whatsoever. They only represent proof that you gave a dollar to charity. They don't change your state of mind, nor do they help your social life. They are useless.
(As a casual aside, I should mention that three weeks ago, I was telling my friends that I would never be caught dead with a facebook profile. As of yesterday, I have 54 friends that connect me to 934 fellow college students. Also, I am a member of six different groups. The lesson here is that, yes, I am a hypocrite.)
Some may argue that the bracelets do have inherent value. After all, you did give money to charity to get one. Well, that's just it. You didn't give anything to charity. Giving to charity is putting a dollar in a March of Dimes tin. Bracelet wearers are buying into charity. In return for a socially "cool" fashion accessory, you had to give cancer patients a dollar. Worse yet, the bracelets are actually proof that you "donated" a dollar to charity. People wear them so that others know that they are pro-charity. If you're giving money to charity just so others think you're a swell guy or gal then, well, you are a human being being truly ignorant. I think it says that somewhere in the New Testament.
Based on this reasoning, I am going to assume that most people who wear LIVESTRONG bracelets are fools. Are there exceptions? I'm sure there are, but they are just that, exceptions. The hilarious part of wearing something to signify charitable character is that bracelet wearers only parted ways with a SINGLE DOLLAR. A dollar does not make you charitable! This almost condescendingly low "donation" is nothing to be proud of. You are actually donating more money to charity when you buy Newman's Own salad dressing, but you don't see kids wearing salad dressing labels, do you? Then again, Paul Newman never won six Tours de France ... that lazy bastard.
If you're truly a good human being and you want to separate yourself from the bracelet-wearing sheep, why don't you go to Starbucks in Tenleytown, find the homeless guy who wanders around there, buy him a friggin' sandwich, give it to him, and don't show it off to anyone. That way, you did an awesomely charitable and helpful thing without committing the sins of pride and hubris. And it cost more the dollar.
That is worthy of respect in my book.
Here's what really brings my hatred for these bracelets over the top. On eBay, people are selling them for four bucks a pop. This means two things: 1. There are people who are making 300 percent profit off of charity, which is a sin I consider more heinous than breaking the legs of two-month old pugs (which I endorse) and 2. People are buying and wearing these not out of charitable concern, but rather to be cooler than the non-bracelet-wearing bunch. Shame on you all.
Unfortunately, my desire to be regarded a hipster has made me tempted to purchase an Armstrong bracelet and join the ranks of the bracelets' army of ignorance. Thankfully, I have found an alternative to buying a bracelet while still maintaining my "coolness." Just take an almost finished roll of duct tape, write "LIVESTRONG" on it with a black marker, and, voila, you have yourself your very own LIVESTRONG bracelet. Sure it's not yellow, but there are some added benefits. I got to keep one dollar that I chose to spend on bribing people into swiping me into TDR. Plus, I didn't have to give any of my hard-earned dollars to charity. Let's remember, not giving money to charity has never gone out of style. Think of it as disaffected chic.
Lester Russell Allen IV is a senior CLEG major and history minor. The Rusty Nail runs every Monday.
