Is it me, or is this election like that one episode of "The Simpsons"?
You know the one, where aliens Kang and Kodos capture the 1996 candidates, Bill Clinton and Bob Dole, and switch places with them. Then, when it's revealed to the voting electorate that it has to choose between the two evil aliens, someone suggests voting for a third-party candidate. "Go ahead, throw your vote away," the aliens say, laughing. D'oh!
Is this where we are, choosing between Kang and Kodos? Or between a "giant douche" and a "turd sandwich," like on a recent "South Park" episode? Seems it.
So, what are we, the voting electorate of this country, supposed to do? If you are still undecided in tomorrow's election, here is a contest that will help you choose between Kang and Kodos. And in the spirit of all things American, it's strictly style over substance.
Hair:
Bush's swirl leaves much to the imagination, while Kerry's strong-as-oak Fonzie look has it in spades. "Heyyyyyyyy."
Edge: KERRY
Eyes:
Kerry looks like he's had about one and a half hours of sleep after an all-night Red Bull binge. Bush, on the other hand, squints with tremendous comedic effect. Remember the second debate? "Need some wood?" I was laughing.
Edge: BUSH
Ears:
While Kerry's ears might be big, Bush's ears make him look like a chimpanzee. Do we really want to keep a chimp in the White House? Next thing you know, we'll be selling nuclear secrets for bananas.
Edge: KERRY
Nose:
Well, Kerry might seem to have the upper hand, with his large, grandfatherly nose. However, Bush clearly has this one due to the extreme nostril power he's built up after all the years of blow.
Edge: BUSH
Mouth:
Bush spends his lip-smacking equivocating al-Qaida with Iraq. Kerry has said his health care plan will cover all. Hmm...both lies! As Nelly would say, this is a "Dilemma."
Edge: DRAW
