In recent weeks, coyotes have been sited in Northwest D.C. around Rock Creek Park. At present time, it's unclear whether the coyotes were angry Kerry supporters avenging Election Day results, still-rioting Red Sox fans, or perhaps Marion Barry's cabinet members. The only thing that's clear about them is that more people care about them than the NHL's Phoenix Coyotes (and they probably have a better chance of finding work this year too).
With the threat of coyotes joining terrorism, the serial groper and off-campus parking as the biggest safety concerns of AU students, here are some suggestions for staying safe. First of all, toss out your can of pepper spray and replace it with an Acme anvil. Second, don't walk around the streets after dark without a roadrunner by your side. Third, remember when the D.C. sniper was around and the police told you to walk in a zig-zag? Well, that won't help you avoid coyotes but it's funny to watch, so keep doing it.
Due to the incalculable damage that a coyote could, hypothetically, inflict, President Bush could now stake a legitimate claim of uncovering weapons of mass destruction, right here in his own backyard.
It's just a shame that the coyotes couldn't have surfaced a few months ago to protect us from the cicadas, but maybe now AU President Benjamin Ladner should put them to work to deal with the campus rat problem.
