Every year before Thanksgiving, The Eagle reflects on the past few months and the AU people, offices and issues that have made Eagle headlines. The Golden Turkey Awards are intended to be a spoof on AU campus news of the last semester. If we promise not to whine, we hope you'll join us in this not-so-serious trip down memory lane. So, without further ado, the golden envelope please...
The "Old Spice" Award: Goes to AU President Ben Ladner, who infamously quipped, "This campus was an armpit before I got here," at a town hall meeting earlier this semester. Funny, we don't recall too many instances in which Ladner actually "got" on campus.
The "Best Foreign Drama" Award: Goes to AU Abroad for the various problems and complaints that came in, particularly regarding South Africa.
The "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" Award: Goes to the Reston Limousine driver who, while driving the Bethesda shuttle to campus, hit either a pothole or another car, depending on who you ask. The driver then presumably hit R1-R1-circle-R2-up-down-up-down to get the cops off her tail.
The "Christmas Decorations on Halloween" Award: Goes to the media, political pundits and students alike, who are already speculating on the candidates for the 2008 presidential election. Slow down, guys, this year's inauguration hasn't even taken place yet.
The "Dude, Where's my Quad?" Award: Goes to the whoever decided to expand the walkways in front of the Kay Spiritual Center. We're currently waiting for the end of yet another construction project that will just result in less grassy area in the quad. If we wanted a concrete campus we would have went to GW.
The "Colin Powell Resignation" Award: Goes to the Student Confederation's Board of Elections members and General Assembly members who stepped down from their positions in recent months. Maybe you could talk to Haley Stevens about finding a place in England.
The "Joan Rivers Refurbishing" Award: Goes to Bender Library, whose recent facelift can hardly conceal its aging body. Maybe the library would be better served with a brand new body.
The "Donald Rumsfeld Ambiguity" Award: Goes to AU Public Safety, and administartors, who, like Rummy, refuse to delineate between the "unknown knowns" and "unknown unknowns" of the off-campus parking policy.
The "Prince/Madonna turned Esther" Award: Goes to the artist formerly known as the Student Confederation. Spending time and money to change your name will make all the difference to the average student. Really. They'll care now.
The "I Am Not a Waterless Urinal" Award: Goes to the poor pandas on the Quad that got urinated on several times by (presumably drunk) students this semester. Who knew R. Kelly went to AU?
The "Ashlee Simpson on SNL" Award: Goes to the AU Club Council, which missed its deadline to announce club allocations by three weeks, then danced around the issue, like Ashlee's awkward SNL ho-down. Surprisingly, they didn't blame it on acid reflux.
The "Unclear Metaphor" Award: Goes to the Red Sox fans, who, in celebration of their team's World Series sweep of the Cardinals, burned a broom. Considering the nature of the curse-busting victory, maybe an effigy of Babe Ruth (or George Steinbrenner) would be more appropriate.
The "MLS" Award: Goes to AU's Field Hockey, Women's Volleyball, Men's Soccer and Men's Cross-Country teams, all of which won Patriot League championships this fall in front of minimal crowds, during quite possibly AU's best sports season in history. If a team wins in a forest and nobody's there to see it, is the championship really that valuable?
The "Travis Bickle Antisocial" Award: Goes to users of www.TheFacebook.com, who make "friends" with a simple mouse click or poke and no human contact.
The "No Need to Bring Your Alarm Clock to Campus" Award: Goes to Letts, Anderson and Centennial halls, for their near-constant fire alarms this fall. Ironically, the fire alarms allow Facebook-whores to actually meet those listed friends that they don't already know face-to-face.
The "Janet Jackson" Award: Goes to all the topless girls from the Red Sox celebrations whose pictures we couldn't publish. Believe us, we wanted to.
The "Where is our Natural Disaster?" Award: Goes to all the great weather we have been having, keeping the University offices open. So where is our hurricane?
The "Tiger Beat" Award: Goes to SUB, which has brought few concerts to campus this semester, and those that have graced the Tavern seem to only drawing local high school kids.
The "Chernobyl Critters" Award: Goes to the arsenic field on campus, which, judging by the size of the mutant rats on campus, might contain nuclear fallout material as well.
