I have always assumed that a universal truth in college life is that you're always hungry. Most are too broke to eat well and the underclassmen with meal plans get mighty sick of TDR mighty soon. This is where I come in. I am going to do my part to feed the hungry hordes of students. How can I do this, you ask? Well, you see, I have connections in the food industry.
Indeed, I have been an employee of the local Whole Foods Market for over a year now. I am commonly referred to as the Seafood King by my colleagues and friends. Actually, that's not true. But it should be. I can filet a fish seven ways from Sunday and I know some excellent recipes for shrimp and lemon sole.
As a Whole Foods "team member," I am privy to the general philosophy of the store. That philosophy can be used to the consumers' advantage, especially the financially anemic ones. From here on out, consider this column to be an instruction manual on how to eat for free.
The first trick, and certainly the most important one, is to show up on a Friday. Friday is demo day at the local grocer, and it should be used to your advantage. Just last Friday, the meat department was cooking up chicken parmesan while the specialty department was sampling six different kinds of duck liver p?t?. The bakery department was sampling pumpkin pie and, for the holidays, the front end has been doling out hot cider and mashed potatoes. In a TDR world, doesn't this sound like heaven?
While all this was going on, I was saut?eing Mediterranean shrimp. That's shrimp with a seasoning consisting of salt, thyme, rosemary, oregano and other herbs and spices. Delicious. Since I'm usually cooking on a Friday afternoon, you can depend on me to sneak a couple of extra samples your way. Remember, I am here to help.
(Oh, by the way, if you happen to be an attractive woman - and I don't mean in a "beautiful on the inside" kind of way - please feel free to introduce yourself to me. We can exchange recipes, phone numbers and come-hither glances. XOXO.)
All right, trick No. 2 is to be as annoying as humanly possible. Ask a ton of questions. Things like, "How many calories does this have?" or "What wine does this go with?" generally work. The more questions you ask, the more likely they are to give you a free sample.
Trick two has a sub-trick. Asking questions about cheese or deli meats is all fine and good, but the sample you get will be puny and unsatisfying. Ask questions about items that they can't open up and give to you. Frozen food is an excellent example. The grocery "team members" are certainly not going to hand you a frozen ostrich burger, so they have to give you the whole package. Pretty crafty, eh?
Trick three isn't a trick as much as good common sense. If you're trying to get free food, don't try to outsmart people who don't understand you or people who view you condescendingly. So try to keep it to younger "team members" who have a firm foundation in the wonders of the English language. Unfortunately, this disqualifies a good portion of our produce department, which is a shame.
Trick four is don't be greedy. I have friends who make laps around Whole Foods gathering samples. Don't do that. That annoys even me. Instead, once you get to Tenleytown, make your trip to the Market. Once you do your errands, go back to Whole Foods and make the rounds again. Two trips could probably yield you a good 500 calories, which is a pretty good deal.
Finally, trick five is to never give up. Although the bosses - er, "team leaders" - tell us to give food away, most of my colleagues do no such thing. This is unacceptable! If you keep asking questions, only to get nowhere, gently remind the employee that they are not living within the guidelines of the Whole Foods philosophy. The Whole Foods philosophy trumps all: friends, family and religion.
Oh! Trick No. 6! The most important! Please do not tell management, after they get suspicious of you, that I sent you. Being unemployed is not an inconvenience that I want to face in the near future. Still, I wish you the best of luck in fleecing my employers. After all, the generous deserve to be taken advantage of at every opportunity. It's a savage world, and there's little place for charity.
Lester Russell Allen is a senior CLEG major and history minor. The Rusty Nail runs every Monday.
