Did you hear the exciting news? Did you? Maybe you missed it but, apparently, they are trying to change the Constitution. Of course, I am not speaking of the U.S. Constitution - you know, the one where you can't have slaves (good) and foreigners can't run for president (bad). No, AU's General Assembly has decided to make some very important changes - so important that the student body has the opportunity to vote on them after Thanksgiving break. My loins are quivering in anticipation.
"What important changes?" you may ask. Well, if you are asking that, you really should be reading The Eagle more often. From now on, resist the temptation to immediately read my column and skim through the campus news. A lot of people work very hard to get into this paper; show some respect.
As I was saying, for all of you who have never been accused of being Student Confederation wonks, the General Assembly is trying to shake the very foundations of student government by actually calling it "Student Government." Apparently, Student Confederation connotates a bunch of high-fallutin' Stars and Bars racists or some other seedy group. Student Government is much more politically correct.
My theory on this is that student government nerds are embarrassed by telling their nerdy counterparts at other schools of their extra-curricular activities. Imagine telling someone you were involved in the General Assembly branch of the Student Confederation. Wouldn't most of your friends respond with a blank stare? Now imagine telling someone that you are a University Senate member in Student Government. Doesn't that sound so fresh and prestigious? Doesn't it sound like the sort of thing that would look golden on a resume?
Other changes made in this constitutional shake-up involve my Bible of parliamentary process: Robert's Rules of Order. My love affair with Robert's Rules started in 1997 when I was a freshman student congressman in the Massachusetts Forensics League. I grew to use the rules to my advantage by obstructing votes and pressuring younger members to do whatever I told them to. Unfortunately, the General Assembly - er, "Undergraduate Senate?" - wants to dispose of it. They find it inefficient. Robert's Rules have worked for countless organizations, large and small. Sorry senators, but Robert's Rules aren't inefficient. You are.
Of course, it's one thing to make these small changes. It's quite another to have AU foot the bill. Indeed, this proposed name change will cost the University between $200 and $2,000 depending on which members you talk to. This, apparently, does not include the cost of changing decals on school vans and stuff like that. If I am against those panda bears because of how much they'll cost, imagine how I feel about these vain changes to our already ridiculously weak student government. Do you know who really needs $2,000? Me! I want $2,000! Once I graduate, my outstanding student loans basically make me federal property. So, give me $2,000! I really, really need it.
When the student body votes for this on Dec. 8, I would love to see these amendments fail. GA members claim they have tirelessly worked on these constitutional changes for the last five months. That alone makes me pray for their ultimate failure. I love seeing student government nerds fail. Hopefully, they'll realize that their efforts in student government are all for naught. Very few students give a damn. I seriously doubt an average student member can name one positive thing that student government has done for the student body. I can think of one: the crosswalk between Hughes Hall and the Butler Instructional Center. Wait. Was that the Student Confederation or former SC President Nick Terzulli working on his own before the election? I don't even remember because it's not important.
On Dec. 8, let's send a message to the Student Confederation by rejecting this new constitution. Let's show them that we are not impressed by their vanity. It's a shame that I have to speak poorly of the Student Confederation, especially considering it's led by the kind and articulate President Polson Kanneth (though his Vice President Jason Trombley once blatantly cut me in line at the Marketplace ... he literally just jumped in front of me!). I hope Polson understands that he will earn plenty of respect no matter what it says on his resume. The same can probably be said of a few members of the GA, although most of them are laughably inefficient and/or plain old mean. Most members of student government just don't deserve success, and they certainly don't deserve the one thing that the GA produces in barrels: self-satisfaction. Vote no on Dec. 8.
Lester Russell Allen IV is a senior CLEG major and history minor. The Rusty Nail runs every Monday, except for next. It will resume Dec. 6.
