Top 10 Write-In Candidates

1. Creepy Dancing Six Flags Old Guy He would convince al-Qaida to call off its Holy War against the Great Satan with his rhythmic, endearing dancing to the Vega Boys. 2. Jeff Probst The "Survivor" host would lay down the law to nations that harbor terrorists. He'd just be like, "The tribe has spoken." 3. Ben Ladner He would raise money for himself and possibly use large sums to promote foreign diplomacy in Qatar and Bhutan. But he might not be happy with the salary decrease. 4. David Letterman The White House needs genuine comedy, and the Late Show mainstay would be both personable and wise. Paul Schaffer for VP too. 5. John Edward Not VP candidate John Edwards, but the biggest ad-wizard in the universe. The "Crossing Over" host can talk to the dead, so he can consult past presidents on policy. "But Martin Van Buren said it was a good idea..." 6. David Lee Roth Spandex, rock kicks and scat would wow the United Nations during pleas for an oil-driven foreign policy agenda. 7. Jared Fogel The Subway spokesman would replace "Hail to the Chief" with that kick-ass song that plays during his commercials. You know the one: "He's Jared, still lookin' good, eatin' those sandwiches." During Fogel's term, he would also manage to find the elusive WMDs: weapons of mass deliciousness. 8. Paris Hilton The promiscuous heiress would make like Chlo? Sevigny to Vincent Gallo on foreign leaders during international summits. 9. Martha Stewart She would replace food stamps with braised capon with pearl onion freebies. Also, being a seasoned pro at embezzling money makes her perfect for the federal government. 10. Donald Trump The Donald is perfect for the presidency. If there's any resistance to Trump's agenda, he'll just be like, "You're fired!" He even has a built-in running mate: his hair, whose influence is sweeping.