I have an eclectic collection of ex-boyfriends, and I am proud to say that I am still "friends" with almost all of them. I prefer the friendship be revived even after the romance has died. This policy has helped me to accumulate a closet overflowing with exes of all shapes and sizes, colored with the romantic history of years past.
But every year around the holidays, I begin to re-evaluate my collection of vintage boyfriends. As it's time to say grace for the exes I am most thankful for, beg Hannukah Harry to send a certain old boyfriend back down my chimney, or make New Year's resolutions never to date that big bad jerk again, I wonder how many exes I am holding on to and how many it's time to let go in the name of the New Year and a fresh start. It's that time of year when it's appropriate to clean out your emotional closet, see what still fits and trash the old and moldy memories of men that have gone stale after being stashed away for too long.
Why do we keep exes around even after the relationship is history? We keep recycling Romeo like that old, favorite, vintage T-shirt. But this holiday, try on all those old exes looming with your leather pants from your Madonna phase and the midriff tops from your "90210" days. While your middle school boyfriend may have been your first kiss or your first romantic hit-or-miss, does he really hold any place in your life now?
While I'm glad and hopeful to say that we have all moved on from that first romance, and moved on and moved on ... Why do we try to be "friends" with the old even when we have the new?
Well, ditching an ex is easier said than done. Backup disks and backup boyfriends serve the same purpose: to save your work. Often you put a lot of time and emotional effort into creating that relationship and dating that person. It's hard to trash an ex, and admit in some way that the time was a waste and the memories are in haste. But sometimes letting go is the ultimate closure.
We also sometimes stay "friends" with an ex if there is some glimmer of hope that one day you and he will get back together. It is that same glimmer of hope that motivates women everywhere to stash away their high school prom dresses. With the realization that the dress doesn't fit, and the old boyfriend doesn't either, maybe it's time to clean out the ex closet and donate that old boyfriend and that glittering gown to someone who could put it to good use.
Also, it's hard to dispose of ex-boyfriends because of the intimacy factor. You know them so well, they know you just as well, and once you let someone in it's difficult to shut them out. Plus they've seen you naked; the definition of intimacy is spending extended periods of time with someone in your birthday suit. And while the knowledge of your dimples and curves is sacred, you shouldn't keep him around or string him along just because of that.
While you may be playing George of the Jungle with a new Tarzan, you may still want exes around in case your latest love transforms into your latest dud. It's always nice to know that there is an extra man waiting behind the status curtain. And everyone loves a little ex-sex.
And yes, while a man may be your ex - though not all the feelings or sexual tension has been put to rest - an ex-boyfriend and a push-up bra serve the same purpose: They can be a self-esteem booster. But Madonna's cone-bra went out of fashion a long time ago, and so did the ex-boyfriend.
We all know from Billy Crystal's famous proclamation in "When Harry Met Sally" that "men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way." But with the sex out of the way, and any mystery uncovered in the sheets past, can men and women put the sex aside and be friends, even when the romance or when sexual steam ends?
When is it time to let an ex go?
It's time to say goodbye to those capri pants and the dress you wore to your senior year homecoming dance, in addition to the exes hanging in your closet when you fight more than you laugh, when you find someone new or when you realize they may cause you more harm than good. If an ex makes you cry, it's time to kiss that piece of your past goodbye. Other reasons to trash your romantic bag man: when they are holding you back from meeting someone else or when you realize space is what heals all wounds.
This holiday season, I am cleaning out my closet, cleaning out my phone and my Buddy List and recycling that old, emotional heartache. After all, it's time to make room for the new!
Jessica Bacharach is a senior journalism major and women's studies minor. This is the last Caught with your pants down column of the semester. Catch it next Jan. 13, 2005.
