As AU students get ready to hit the books in an attempt to prove that they actually learned something this semester, President Bush is meeting with heads of state, brushing up on his strategy in Iraq with a late-night game of Risk, and rolling the dice hoping for a lucky seven on the economy. Well, why shouldn't he be hitting the books too? The top 24 reasons why he should:
24. Study days can be national holidays.
23. A President Special at Dominoes instead of the Roommate Special. The President Special will be pretzel-free for everyone's protection.
22. Staying up for 72 hours straight is fun.
21. Hall sports in the West Wing.
20. Helen Thomas can administer the exam.
19. Copying off Dick Cheney's paper.
18. Donald Rumsfeld's too.
17. SIS-105: World Politics exam on Joshua Goldstein. If we've been there and done that, so should the president. Of course ... a new edition will come out next year and the bookstore will not be buying yours back.
16. Fire alarms at the White House are national emergencies, so maybe our exams can be cancelled.
15. Popular exam study activities include eating at TDR's theme nights and keeping the library open for 24 hours. Maybe the White House cafeteria and the Library of Congress can do the same; I'm sure Bush would enjoy Southwestern night just as much as we do.
14. Procrastination is the favorite art of presidents; why not just stick a big test at the end of it for once?
13. Study groups/slumber parties at Camp David.
12. Can you imagine grading Bush's diplomacy exam?
11. Blue books: the latest in top-secret weaponry.
10. 8:30 a.m. exams are the BEST! (sarcasm)
9. Learning how to cope with regret: regret that you slept through class so many times...
8. The post office will be too busy checking Bush's care packages for anthrax to steal ours.
7. Alan Greenspan grading the economics exam.
6. Broadcast live on C-SPAN ... and ATV.
5. Going to class/the Oval Office in pajamas.
4. It'd be funny if someone called a noise complaint on the White House.
3. Finals are the culmination of a $26,000 tuition ... or a $7.2 trillion deficit.
2. You can't get a mandate for a second term until you prove you've learned something in the first.
1. No, Mr. President, this is not a litmus test.
But in all honesty, as 2004 draws to a close, it is necessary to look back at our president and give him a grade. In economics, well, there's a deficit for which Congress kindly raised the ceiling, and the Euro exchange rate is above $1.30. If you plan to study abroad, Europe might not be the best choice. China, perhaps. We're maintaining our huge trade deficit with it, and it's keeping its currency low. Bush speaks and the Dow drops, but we haven't reached Great Depression proportions yet. As for the Coalition of the Willing, it's getting cold feet and Europe's feet aren't warming up.
Osama bin Laden is still missing. Terrorism has not been defeated and is likely even experiencing a boom in production and recruits. Iraq is looking tumultuous at best, soldiers are suing over prolonged tours, and we might be on the brink of another abuse scandal in Afghanistan. At home, gay marriage is banned in 11 states, the legal status of abortions is threatened, and the environment? What environment? We sold that to the big corporations years ago.
The habits of our president reflect upon our nation, and whatever actions President Bush has taken or will take are not only part of our country's permanent record, but will affect our global GPA. The United States can't afford to flunk out of school, especially at a critical time in history. So, in closing, good luck on all your tests, AU. I hope your prospects are brighter than the president's.
