The mistletoe is being hung, the Hanukkah candles are being lit, and the campus bookstore is stocking its cash registers with quarters to buy back books for 25 cents on the dollar. That's right, while the weather outside may not be frightful, the fall semester is winding down and the holiday season is in full swing.
Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or some awful combination of holidays (Christmahanukwanzaakah anyone?), everyone loves presents. With that in mind, here is The Eagle's holiday wish list for people and organizations across campus that deserve some gifts this winter.
To SUB, we wish a gift certificate to Insound.com so that it can expand its musical horizons and stop bringing the same boring pop-punk bands to campus. While we're at it, we should get it a time machine so it can travel back to last year and remember what it was like to bring a variety of good acts, like Andrew WK and Bob Dylan to AU.
To Letts, Anderson and Centennial halls, we wish fire-retardant kitchens and maybe some more common sense, so they can cut down on late-night fire drills and get some sleep.
To AUTO, we wish for Xzibit to pay it a visit and pimp AU's rides.
To Rodney, we wish for his job back. Jamba Juice just isn't the same without him.
To KPU, we wish Colin Powell's cell phone number, so they can bring possibly the most sought-after public speaker in American politics to AU.
To the Katzen Arts Center, we wish an on-schedule opening for a building whose expected opening has changed in the past. We hope the construction team can be "substantially" complete by March 2005.
To the Career Center, we wish a new schedule book and more staff so it can actually book appointments when students need them, thus allowing students to plan around application deadlines.
To professors who receive negative narrative evaluations from students, we wish a pink slip because it's ridiculous that administrators judge professors by a Scan-Tron evaluation but not based on what students say about the professors.
To President Bush, we wish a skillet so he can fry up all the eggs that are going to head his way during his inauguration in January.
To Reston Limousine, we wish a certificate for free driver's education courses at the local high school so that students actually feel safe on their way to and from campus.
To the Metro, we wish new brakes so it can avoid any more brutal crashes and subsequent "Metro cars humping each other" photo-ops like what happened at the Woodley Park stop in November.
To students of the School of International Service, we wish a new building to keep up with the higher-quality facilities enjoyed by most other programs at AU. It's coming!
To all the graduates, we wish inexpensive apartments and great new jobs. Yeah, and we also wish for flying monkeys. Good luck, grads - remember to save space on your couch for us when it's our turn.
To the SC, we wish a coupon for group counseling to help deal with its identity crisis. Whatever it chooses to name itself, does it really make a difference?
To all the dorms except Letts, we wish a game room. But until then, we'd just advise that you make a friend with someone who lives in Letts that can let you into the game room. The Eagle will take anyone at foosball.
To President Benjamin Ladner, we wish a passport to campus so he can meet the students whose tuition pays for his car and driver.
To D.C., we wish fair political representation, preferably in the form of statehood, but at least with more electoral votes or a congressional representative with voting power. Some lead-free water would be nice too.
To TDR, we wish more happy days with their new stereo system.
To Southeast D.C., we wish a visit from U-Haul to move residents to a place where the city will not build a stadium.
To Saturday Night Live, we wish a sense of humor, better writing, and someone who can do a decent President Bush impression.
To all the New Year's partiers, we wish a safe ride home with the Washington Regional Alcohol Program's free-cab program.
To all our readers, we wish a safe and relaxing winter break! You'll see us again Jan. 13. 'Til then, tell us what you want to read next year by e-mailing Editor@TheEagleOnline.com ... and have a happy New Year!
