The funny thing about music is that ultimately, it is meant to be heard. But in the age of the music video, our priorities have shifted. Physical attractiveness can easily surmount musical talent, blurring the lines of a "good band" and a "bad band." In honor of Valentine's Day and our love of beauty, we at The Eagle would like to make it easier for you to discern "good" from "bad" by providing the following rankings of the best (and worst) looking musicians.
Hot
Darius Rucker - 9.9 Darius Rucker. Sigh. What's not to love about the man who wrote the song, "Let Her Cry?" While his beautiful brown eyes and luscious lips make him the alpha male, what really puts Darius Rucker over the hotness top is his ability to weave transcendent melodies the same way God weaved the Earth out of nothingness. On the eighth day, He created Darius Rucker. His sultry baritone seduces you while all the other people in the band do that thing with the instruments. Did someone say Hootie and the Blowfish? We meant "Hottie and the Blowfish."
Hamilton Leithauser - 9.6 Hamilton Leithauser, lead singer of the Walkmen, looks a little bit like this one frat guy who wanders around campus occasionally. Only instead of being armed with a popped collar and flip-flops in winter, Leithauser somehow rocks the sweatshirt-under-blazer look with gusto. Songs sound semi-inebriated when Leithauser warbles them through the microphone, staggering back and forth across the stage. The guy happens to be a D.C. native, and if he is any indication to what the gentlemen of this city are capable of, let us pray we never leave.
Rivers Cuomo - 9.1 Rivers Cuomo's appeal extends to his flirting with the Muppets, frolicking with grizzly bears, monkeys and puppies on an African plane, and working with video director genius Spike Jonze. Though he claims to be celibate these days, his natural urges won't back down at the sight of our sexual energy. Oh, and Rivers, could you please confirm us all as your friend on MySpace? Your pending request is really preventing us from functioning.
Mirah - 8.9 Resident Pacific Northwesterner Mirah Yom Tom Zeitlyn is so cute it hurts. If her plucky, coy songs aren't enough, she's got a complete air of shyness about her when she plays live. Mirah is the embodiment of that sweetly collegiate bohemian chic; all tortoiseshell glasses, patchwork skirts, clogs and a Moleskin. You can almost feel the sophomoric academia seep out of her pores, and it's so hot.
Patrick Wolf - 8.7 You haven't heard of this hottie but one day you will. He toured with an Irish Youth Orchestra as a youngster (playing the violin) and eventually taught himself a whole load of instruments, including ukelele, accordion, and guitar. He ran away to Paris when he was 16. It was there that he met a gypsy woman in a cemetery (after he stole a horse from a hoity-toity champagne party) who renamed him after the howling beast of lore. Then he decided to put his violin to good use and start a band with himself. His first record, last year's "Lycanthropy," is composed entirely of songs he penned before the age of 18 (he's only 21 now). He makes his own clothes. If that's not enough to melt anyone's heart, well he's not too hard on the eyes, either.
Jenny Lewis - 8.0 Jenny is actually what Karen O. would look like if she dyed her hair red and began dressing like a grown-up. She's got the quiet downtrodden look down pat though, like the one attractive peasant in one of those sweeping European epics. Maybe not hot per se, but comfortably warm.
Not
Paul Banks and, frankly, all of Interpol - 4.9 Paul Banks and his posse will just never physically live up to the reputation that his band, Interpol, has created. Banks wears these weird Amish hats on stage and winds up looking a bit like the Quaker Oats guy. While Interpol may put out phenomenal records and breathe new life into the indie rock scene, the dudes just do not cut it in the looks department. Most of them pretty much come off looking like your spooky uncle.
Jeff Mangum - 3.6 This is a strong reminder that this article is based entirely on physical appearance, not the actual quality of the music (except in the case of Creed). And in the case of Jeff Mangum, this is only based on a live video recorded of him playing "Engine," the B-side to Neutral Milk Hotel's epic song, "Holland, 1945." He's wearing an oversized ski-sweater and a bucket hat, with a truly disturbed expression on his face. Stringy, tortured-artist hair lies in tangles around his face. He mumbles out lyrics about cafeteria trays and round captain's bellies while basically terrifying the audience. Not so hot.
Britney Spears - 2.8 Brit, things have gone horribly awry. You just married a guy who looks like he works at Mickey D's; not to mention he ditched his baby's momma for you. But this kind of deliberate integrity -destruction was really spearheaded by your habit of prancing around public bathrooms with no shoes on. And also the cut-offs with the pockets hanging out. And also the fact that your voice sounds like a robot.
Chad Kroeger - 1.8 "Someday, somehow, I'm going to make it all right, but not right now," sings Chad Kroeger in his band, Nickleback. We can only assume that what he's talking about is that hideous monstrosity of a face that sits atop his neck. Please, please Chad, make it all right. Right now.
Scott Stapp - 0.2 Scott Stapp, of Creed (R.I.P.) fame, makes babies cry with his bulbous nose and creepy tank tops. There is nothing endearing about the puppy eyes - he doesn't look like a loyal friend; he looks like the dog that just pooped on the floor. And anyone that pretends to be secular when they so clearly sing it for Jesus is a sham. There are lots of reasons why Creed breaking up was a good thing. This is one of them.
Lil' Wayne - 0.1 This lil' one should not be allowed on television in any capacity. He is as ugly as sin will allow. He has a face made for radio. As if what nature gave him was not bad enough, he has metallic veneers over all of his teeth in a sad attempt to cover that gnarly bite. Poor Beyonce in the "Soldier" video where he's basically humping her leg. That's like having your neighbor's Chinese crested terrier hump your leg.
