"They don't get hungry. They're not afraid. They don't forget their orders. They don't care if the guy next to them has just been shot. Will they do a better job than humans? Yes."
- Gordon Johnson of the Joint Forces Command at the Pentagon, on an army led by robots
Yes, the weather has been nice the past few days. But here's a newsflash: It's not spring yet! Two Scene staffers eating at Guapo's Tuesday night were taken aback by the number of people sitting on the patio. Not that these people were actually enjoying being outside - the majority of them were wrapped up in fleece jackets, scarves and hats, yet somehow felt the need to embrace the "warm" weather. Wait another month, kids. Those margaritas will only warm you so much. __
More news on The Lohan: Though it's been a while since we've heard from her (partying with Paris Hilton is so last week), Lindsay Lohan is back with a vengeance ... and is not suitable for children under 3. Available this coming June will be an official Mattel Barbie Doll made in the likeness of the one and only Lohan. While the doll does have The Lohan's fiery red hair, it is still unknown whether it will have a matching affection for partying. Having a Lohan Barbie may or may not be on every little girl's wish list, but it will at least give Wilmer Valderrama something to hold at night, other than the last remaining shreds of his career. __
Fake testicles for pets. Fake testicles for PETS! In the spirit of shameless capitalism, a group of individuals saw a need and they have filled it. After a pet is neutered, by definition, he loses his balls. The makers of "Neuticles" have ensured that neutering no longer needs to result in a lack of testicles for your now-shamed pet. For a mere $49 per ball (plus the cost of surgery), you can rebuild your pet's "self-esteem" and ease some of the "trauma" that de-balling causes. The manufacturers promise that Neuticles are "based on the firmness of actual animal testicles ... and replicate the testicle in actual size, shape and weight." What we want to know is, who are the people who went out and did the research to determine animal testicle firmness? __
A police officer in Indiana suffered a mild concussion after being beaten over the head with a wooden cane while checking on an elderly woman's welfare. No word yet on why she opted for the physical approach to tell the fuzz to get off her doorstep, but the woman is now being charged with resisting law enforcement and battery. If only the AU police blotter could include canings. Better get on that. __
So word has finally gotten out, via the never-ending wealth that is the World Wide Web, that a certain Scene staffer's mother was being exploited in the Out of Context section for her (unintentionally) funny quips about midlife crises and almost burning down the house. "I didn't know I was such a hoot! Love, Mom" she said in her instant message. Now she's on to us, and we're in dire need of other funny Mom-isms, so please forward the kooky text and instant messages to weekend@theeagleonline.com. -
One at a time, 22 young women dragged their feet into the McDowell Formal Lounge, coffee and scripts in hand. Their mission: five long, intense hours of loving their unique, beautiful, fabulous vaginas. The pressure was high, knowing that performances of the "Vagina Monologues" commence in two days. The actors unwound with a TDR lunch based in the unofficial "Vagina Room."
- Compiled by the Scene staff
