The first time I watched a porno I was 12. It was called "Love Boat." The clinching line came from an overweight man in his mid-30s, sporting a blond mullet and beer belly, who proclaimed, "My name is 'Trumpet,' now blow me..." and suddenly a 20-year-old blonde bombshell drops to her knees and goes to town. I didn't know whether to laugh or be outraged. I sat there at my best friend's house, choking on my thoughts and some pretzels, and I watched as he started laughing hysterically. He thought this was hilarious and at the same time was very turned on by this commando mullet and his sex toy. I, on the other hand, was anything but turned on and hadn't touched porn since until...
I dated a man who I call Mr. Kink. He was into spanking and porno as much as he was into pizza and beer. He was history major with a minor obsession with XXX films. I didn't understand why a man would want to attentively watch other men getting laid, while he was home, satisfying himself all alone under his Superman sheets.
When I questioned men I know about this real-woman replacement, they told me that porn was much easier to take home, was less expensive and was a definite score, while the cute, high-maintenance finance major with plans for Wall Street may not be so easy to get into bed, or so quick to get him off.
But, my Mr. Kink argued, carrying on a conversation with me while watching a "Deep Throat" equivalent, that I cannot call myself a sex columnist without exploring the underworld of skin-a-max style films.
Looking back, my indifference to X-rated movies and XXX-rated kinkiness may have been because, at the time, I didn't fully comprehend the power of porn. Chatting with Mr. Kink, while he raved about the XXX flick he was watching, he talked down to me as if I was fresh out of the Jewish nunnery. He claimed that porn can be used to turn on men and women, that it could be a very powerful bedroom tool and that women shouldn't stop exploring once they discover KY Jelly and fuzzy handcuffs.
So I gathered up my roommates, bought a bottle of red and made a porno-watching extravaganza in our common room. The first porn we watched was called "Lady Fingers 3," an overwhelming mantra of lesbian sex with dildos, handcuffs, creams, whips and anal beads mixed with the more traditional manual action. I had never seen such gigantic jugs and such well-trimmed bottoms spread eagle across my TV screen. But instead of getting hot and flustered, I found myself analyzing the plot, scanning the X-rated scene, wondering where these women are from and how they got from there into a film like this. Did they really just love having sex or was this a cat-call for attention and low self-esteem?
The second porn flick, "Teen Tryouts," looked like it had been filmed in some pimp's Hollywood living room. "So you like to f-k, you like to suck big dick, tell me you like it..." I felt like I was eavesdropping on someone's private bedroom banter. And watching as these young girls enjoyed fat men in their mid-40s with penises the size of large squirrels was more than my roommates and I had bargained for. I could see straight porn being a turn on, but I prefer something a bit more discrete, like "Cruel Intentions 2."
I could hear my ex yelling into my ear, "just enjoy it, this isn't supposed to be Oscar-quality acting." Porn, he would tell me, is like anything else, and must be enjoyed for what it is instead of trying to make it into something it's not. So I opened my eyes wide and attempted to enjoy the cheesy disco music and gynecological photo shots. I felt like I was in her crotch!
The more I watched, it began to sink in that porn could be a powerful bedroom accessory. Not this particular porn, which was a sad rendition of "Girls Gone Wild," but maybe a higher quality flick.
Porn has the ability to turn people on, help people get laid and play out the erotic fantasies of both sexes from the safe distance of a television screen. There is something safe and erotic about watching pornography. Viewers are separated from the act, unlike watching strippers, where the sexual illusion is live at your feet. Pornography allows you to separate yourself from the wild sexual escapades of orgies and anal beads. Watching a beautiful woman in a nurse's gown dominate a man dressed as a school boy is hot, and maybe intimidating, but that is the beauty of television: The nurse can't reach the person watching and the viewer can't reach the nurse; it's pure fantasy all the way to the finish line.
After indulging in my porn flick, I still didn't understand why someone would want a video of other people having extravagant sex when they could be doing it themselves. If you want to watch kinky sex, why not plant some mirrors on the ceiling and throw some handcuffs and body paint into the mix.
But most men can't go out at the drop of a hat and have anal sex with a gaggle of cheerleaders on the 50-yard line. They can incorporate small kinky add-ons into their bedroom routine, but the really raunchy movies are probably better left to the professionals. Porn allows men and women to pop that fantasy in the DVD player and indulge away, all the while keeping the diseases, bright lights and cameras out of their bedrooms.
Some of my girlfriends say that women like porn too. Women get to act out the same level of elaborate fantasy by watching porn, without the risk of STDs, pregnancy or actually going out and having sex with eight firemen who slide down the pole. Watching others have sex may make many women's mouths water and prompt them to crave some action themselves. Porn may be one of the few bedroom enhancements that both sexes can enjoy.
But porn is not an all-glory story. Watching too much porn can be addictive, like sex, once you pop that video in, sometimes it's hard to stop. While men and women both may enjoy a Mr. Kink in the bedroom, some XXX fantasies may damper a relationship fairytale. If one partner isn't comfortable with bringing XXX exploits or tapes of Jenna Jameson into the bedroom, it could ruin the evening and the relationship. It's vital to keep an open dialogue about what turns you on and what freaks you out. Kink can be nice, but only if it's balanced out with the right amount of sugar and spice.
I'm not writing off porn, but for now I am sticking with "Cruel Intentions 2" and my man of choice.
