I have shocking news you may want to sit down for: Women like sex, too.
Yes, I know, you are suddenly feeling faint; but as crazy as it sounds, women are sexual creatures who also love to get laid. Many men seem to be under the impression that men like sex and women have it in order to catch and keep a man, but in fact, the majority of women love sex.
Every copy of Cosmo in our living rooms is plastered with articles about how to please men. My boyfriends are so pleased they may never leave the sofa, but what magazines are helping men learn the intricate art of pleasing women? Is there a handbook that we could give boys freshman year of high school that teaches them where the clitoris is and how to use it properly? Or perhaps public schools or MTV could sponsor posters in the urinals that teach boys what I call, "The Morning-After Edict," with bullet points such as "just because she slept with you it doesn't mean she loves you," and "if you had good sex you must always spend the night (even if its in a twin bed and she weighs 400 lbs)." Because no one has taught men about appropriate after-sex behavior, twenty-something men are finding themselves embarrassed and looking like jerks once daylight strikes.
A boy that recently visited my bed was all too familiar with the morning-after edict, but he was also sadly misinformed about the motives of many women inviting him into their sheets. We ended a perfectly nice x-rated evening with an argument over the sexual motives of Washington women. The Clark Kent, who had been my bedroom super hero for the evening, was under the impression that if a woman wants to sleep with you more than once than she is already planning on how to suck the blood and life out of you in the devilish web of commitment that the forever-frat boy also calls monogamy. He made the argument that women can't suppress the urge to have an emotional relationship with any Joe Schmoe that they fall on at a bar and lead home to their bed.
Sadly, no one had informed this canceled superhero that women like sex too, and sometimes all women want from the stud across the bar is to rob him of a few orgasms and send him back into the dating world. Women don't fall in love with any man that stumbles on top of them, and just because she brings you home it doesn't mean she has future plans to bring you to meet the parents. Despite that the era of free love is long and forgotten, can't a girl just want to get laid?
While women may enjoy sex as much as the next guy, men need to read the fine print on this public service announcement. Women may want to indulge in sex and foreplay, but having bad sex is worse than having no sex. As a woman who has dated her fair share of leftover circus freaks, I can testify that the selfish bedmate, the premature ejaculator and the fetish fanatics prompt more nightmares than orgasms.
Some women are also more selective about giving out a number, meaning another notch on their belt of sexual experience. The number of people a man or woman has slept with works inversely for their reputations and social standing. The age-old belief holds that the more women a man has slept with, the bigger a pimp he is, while the more men a woman has had sex with, the more Hail Mary's she should recite before bedtime. The myth that if women like sex they belong in the slut factory is an outdated and sexist piece of sexual trivia that should be tossed out with the pull out method and flavored, glow-in-the dark condoms.
Not only do women like sex, but some like kinky, wild jungle sex. Others prefer the softer, tamer sex styles, but men should explore and embrace all sects of sexual satisfaction so that no matter the type of woman, each man is equipped with the tools to please with ease. Body paints and frostings, handcuffs, spanking, biting and mile-high sex are just samples of the wants and needs of today's women. Talking to your partner in life or partner for tonight will help you make the evening a night of wild moaning and not a night of faked groaning.
Women, like men, are spending our afternoons slumped over our laptops, snoring away in lecture halls, fantasizing about sex... often dirty sex. In fact, I don't how I would have made it through freshman year biology if it hadn't been for my wild sex fantasies involving my boyfriend at the time.
Now, a woman may love and crave sex, or feel starved to feel the weight of a man atop her chest; but sex should only last so long. Long hours of adventurous sex can be exhilarating, but after about a three-hour limit most women go numb and just want to go to sleep.
One of my favorite exes, Bob the Builder, loves to tell the story of the first time he and I had sex. He has a theory that every first time a man and women have sex, it's a sexual audition and the man has got to whip out every move he's got. We had waited to sleep together and had spent a hot summer night at the Bethesda bars, and came back to my place ripping each other's clothes off as we tried to make it up the stairs to my room.
Let's just say the sex lasted two and a half hours. After the first hour, I thought, "Wow, this is hot!" After two hours, I thought, "How many more positions can there be?" At two hours and fifteen minutes, I was praying for it to end because I was so exhausted and I was afraid I might fall asleep. Needless to say, in order for this relationship to continue, he and I had to have a little talk.
Our relationship lasted a summer, but to continue my relationship with Bob the Builder I would have had to start running marathons. However, he was a pro at balancing the sex with the intriguing conversation. Women may like sex, but don't forget we have brains too.
Sex is a safari and we are here to adventure. And if women are vocal and make a jungle call to tell a man how good something feels or how much she is enjoying herself, she may not be faking it. But if the orgasms arrive from nowhere like a Publisher's Clearing House check, then chances are the climax is a scam.
While women may love sex and crave it constantly, safety always comes first. Many twenty-somethings may hate condoms and think they feel like oversized trash bags, but they'd hate herpes even more. Also, if you meet this man out and about, try to find some references on him before he comes home with you, just in case he's a classic American Psycho concealed in Diesel jeans and a black polo. Look for signs of overly aggressive and violent behavior. Just remember that a vibrator can get you off and won't kill you, and this guy... well, it's Russian Roulette.
It's also good to be selective. Think about how you'll feel with this mysterious man in your bed at 10 a.m. Sunday morning, with his aparagus-smelling morning breath and hairy chest. If you still want to sleep with him, go for it. If not, keep shopping.
And if the evening goes according to plan and both partners end up covered in sweat after a night of naked yoga positions, don't make posters about who you've slept with or say especially rude or embarrassing things about your evening sex partner. In the American University Peach Pitt known as the Market Place, every sexual story between our school's Dylan and Kelly are fair game, and trust me, gossip always gets around. Besides, if they've slept with you, they can't be all bad.
Moral of the story: women like good, experimental, hot sex with two orgasms on the side, sometimes on top, and yes, sometimes we like fries with that.
