If more movies opened with a bling-encrusted rap artist holding fistfuls of cash and shaking two bottles of Armadale over a steaming hot tub full of honeys, maybe more movies would be box office hits.
At least, that's what producer and director Damon Dash seemed to think when cutting together his mocumentary masterpiece, "Death of a Dynasty." This 93 minutes of heaven traverses the zany adventures of Dave Katz (Ebon Moss-Bacharach), a fresh-faced Caucasian reporter at a small-time rap music mag who's assigned a three-week stint shadowing the goings-on at Damon Dash and Jay-Z's hip-hop empire, Roc-a-Fella Records.
Dave's first escapade comes shortly after he receives an invitation that reads: "You are cordially invited to Dame Dash's third annual Rectum Shake Down, Harlem Renaissance, Gully Gully Crunk Fest and Eyes Wide Shut Party." Ushered into a hotel room and given a polyester tuxedo, complete with a Durex condom in the front breast pocket, and password, Dave falls asleep while waiting for his escort to the party to show up. Once Dave finally hits the scene, Dash (played in the film by rapper Capone) takes him under his wing and shows him just how much fun it is to reign over a hip-hop kingdom.
Take, for example, the perks, like having your own personal videographer. Dash's is a platinum blonde Barbie-doll named EZ who prances after him in hot pants toting the "EZ cam," which viewers occasionally get to see through a metal chain-rimmed frame onscreen (it usually features Dash snuggling up to some chicks or imbibing some cocktails). Or Roca Wear fashion shows, where models fire loaded guns at the ceiling once finishing their tour of the runway. Or weekends in the Hamptons, where DJs drop hot beats while Rastafarians light up comically gigantic joints; Dave gets trashed and spouts a helfty helping of fly white guy wisdom, much to Dash and ccmpany's chagrin.
Dave gets cocky after a week or two on the job, and starts feeding grimy Roc-a-Fella gossip to Manhattan Globe music reporter Dick James (Rob Stapleton). However, a roaming gang of Roc-a-Fella thugs has its eyes on the pale reporter amongst them, and hilarity ensues when they jump him in elevators, alleys and pretty much everywhere else he happens to end up alone.
After resisting the urge to replace every final "s" in this review with a "z" ("hitz," "showz," "spoutz" ... you get the idea), it's hard to decide whether it would be more helpful to appraise the film's quality, or simply list direct quotes from it. Between "I'm Dame Dash! You can't play me!"; "Get your izzasses into the frizzeaking bizzooth, okizzle??!"; "I got a Master's degree from Julliard, I don't need this shit!"; and a Roc-a-Fella lackey calling Dave a "retarded-ass totem pole," you basically can't go wrong.
Never mind that the actors portraying Jay-Z and Dash look absolutely nothing like their real-life counterparts. "Dynasty" is choc-full of enough celeb cameos to make any name-dropper's head spin: Chloe Sevigny, Jamie Lynn Sigler, Mo Rocca, Flava Flav, Peter Sarsgaard, Duncan Sheik (Duncan Sheik?!), Master Jay, Ed Lover, Dr. Dre., Samantha Ronson, Master P and the real Jay-Z all appear, as well as a certain Devron "Smokey" Edington, who is credited with playing eight roles total. Not to mention perhaps the greatest scene of the movie, in which Carson Daly, playing himself, gets turned down repeatedly by a bouncer at a NYC nightclub.
Although only true rap fans will appreciate the inside-joke quality of Dash's film, there's something for just about everyone. Whether for the scantily clad models, tongue-in-cheek humor or opportunity to vicariously live the life of a hip-hop god, behind Vanilla Ice's 1991 smash hit "Cool As Ice," "Death of a Dynasty" is pretty much the best movie, ever.
