With the super-spooky super-remake of "The Amityville Horror" opening tomorrow with Van Scarier himself Ryan Reynolds, Movie Matches is raising the preverbal cinematic roof on all the movies that are ... in da house!
Dreadful!
"Haunted Mansion" - 2003 Just when you thought Eddie Murphy's career couldn't get any sadder, he goes and does this movie, thus setting a new rule in film. Movie adaptations of good theme park rides, in this case the "Haunted Mansion," will be terrible, while movie adaptations of terrible theme park rides, like the "Pirates of the Caribbean," will make a totally awesome movie. The only thing that could've saved "Haunted Mansion" is if Judge Reinhold showed up with some banana-in-tailpipe action (humming "Beverly Hills Cop" theme song) Doo-doo-doo-do-do-do-do-doo-do-doo-do-doo ... and so on.
Gruesome!
"The Haunting" - 1999 The 1963 original "Haunting," directed by Robert Wise, is perhaps the scariest film I have ever seen. So leave it to Hollywood to revamp this classic into a steaming pile of feces. First of all, Qui-Gon is totally lame in it, and then the giant CG ghost makes this movie about as bad as "Blair Witch 2." Well, before I go too far, there was that scene where a fireplace bites off Owen Wilson's head.
Horrific!
"House on Haunted Hill" - 1999 Just like the aforementioned "Haunting," the original film was vastly better. How can you go wrong with Vincent Price? The only amazing part of the terrible 1999 remake was the end. When the friendly ghost of Chris Kattan saves Taye Diggs and that girl, it got so bad it was awesome.
Ghastly!
"Casper" - 1995 There are so many things right about this movie. It's Bill Pullman's finest role ever. Oh, and then Devon Sawa as the real Casper. That's a stroke of casting genius. In fact, it was such a good call, they should've named this movie "Caster." You know? Like because it was cast so well ... There it is.
Craven!
"Last House on the Left" - 1972 This movie should be noted as a film that has officially scarred me for life. For all those who have yet to experience "Last House on the Left," it is Wes Craven's first film, and there is a certain scene that you're not going to be able to walk away from with your lunch still in your stomach. I'm not going to go too into the gruesome detail, but let's just say it can be best described simply as demonic fellatio gone wrong.
