1) Ditch Quad copulation
Where there's a will, impassioned couples will find a way. However, dry humping, excessive moaning/grinding and make-out sessions lasting longer than 10 seconds should be reserved for the secluded Butler Garden. There, plenty of bench space (or mulch space, if one happens to be into that) is conveniently concealed in a romantic display of spring foliage. Scientific studies indicate that male sperm count is higher in the spring, so keep it clean and stay safe.
2) Limit crotch exposure
Before heading out to the Quad in sun-soaking attire, please take a moment and assume your planned lounging position in front of a full-length mirror. If you can see your crotch, then everyone on the Quad will be able to see it as well. Cover it up.
3) Lose underwear as outerwear
Bras, panties, boxers and Abercrombie-embellished "boy shorts" are not considered appropriate Quad apparel. Stained and/or holey undergarments are among the top offenses. Persistent underwear advocates will be happy to know that there's plenty of room on the outskirts of campus, far away from judgmental stares, for your displays. Don't become that "underwear girl" everyone's talking about on the shuttle!
4) Evoke prospective-student jealousy
Pretending you're having more fun than you really are to make prospective students marvel at your elitist lounging status is perfectly acceptable. Notice their astonishment as you use your nifty wireless laptop to "work" (translation: Facebook stalkinf the hottie basking three blankets over).
5) Nix the flower harvesting
Okay, so it's excusable to pick one daffodil to put in your flower-child hair for the day, but some students seem to think the Quad is a plant farm for gathering bouquets to impress that special someone you've been eyeing at TDR all semester. Come on, we're dealing with a National Arboretum here. One would imagine that the disgruntled landscapers don't like pesky students messing with their meticulous work. So take a trip to Whole Foods and stock up on its fresh, overpriced flowers instead.
6) Be mindful of musical misdemeanors
Nobody is obligated to use headphones while Quad lounging, unless his or her musical tastes are downright horrid. In this case, headphone away! Be aware that specific Quad regions correspond with certain music. The general trend seems to be that the closer one gets to Bender Library, the more upbeat the tunes (usually a mix of rap, pop and some girl blasting Yellowcard) get. As one moves toward the Kay Spiritual Life Center, things mellow out with the occasional strums of guys with acoustic guitars congregating in circles. International and indie music is often heard radiating from the amphitheater, an ideal location for the more reclusive, hookah-oriented lounger. As a general rule, if you're listening to a song and receiving glares from more than three neighbors, it's time to break out those headphones.
7) Covertly break social codes
Eavesdrop on some juicy conversations. Feel free to judge what that girl over there is wearing. Bash your lame professor (providing he/she has not assumed undercover Quad-lounging status). Just don't be obvious about it. Consider sporting some sweet aviators to keep your offenses covert and earn some cool points while you're at it.
8) Play sports
The Quadrangle ambiance would not be complete without Frisbee, whiffle ball and other communal recreation to be photographed and reproduced in shiny AU information pamphlets/propaganda. Just keep in mind that crowds of unsuspecting passersby plus your bad aim equals bad news.
9) Homework (or lack thereof)
Everyone knows that long days of sun on the Quad are not for schoolwork. You should of course bring books, the laptop and maybe a notebook or two in order to justify the experience. But when the sun begins to set on our picturesque campus, your 12-page research paper will consist of the heading and, if you're lucky, a title. That's just how it works.
10) Lessons in litter
It's 6 p.m. and almost everyone has headed back to the dorms to finally get some work done or to get some rest. But the poor Quad rests in a state of environmental degradation. Use a trashcan - if not for your litter, at least for some rhythmic group drumming. Nobody wants to pick up your leftover plastic cup of Berry Lime Sublime. Although, you know that old Disney cartoon with the bears that bounce on their butts and sing as they pick up trash with those pointy stick thingies? We should get some of those...
