Aries (March 21 - April 19) This week, you may feel as though your life is a reality show. So jump in the hot tub, do shots of tequila and threaten to stab your roommate with a fork. Astrologically approved minor: Pornography
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) It may seem as though a bird is shitting on the windshield of your life this week. Luckily, an extremely generous Virgo in your life will be wielding an extra large squeegee. Astrologically approved minor: Applied Procrastination.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You may feel as though someone or something in your life is becoming quite restrictive. Perhaps it will be a great week to go commando. Astrologically approved minor: Puppetry.
Cancer (June 21 - July 21) Towards the middle of the week, a mysterious smell may cause you to question a friend's honesty. Do not be afraid to confront this person, because your nose knows. Astrologically approved minor: Interpretive Dance.
Leo (July 22 - August 22) Jupiter in your twelfth house indicates that you need to walk on the wild side this week. Put on your best thong and pull a Coyote Ugly. You won't be disappointed. Astrologically approved minor: Language and Area Studies: Jive.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This week, don't count your chickens before they hatch. Instead, try to kill two birds with one stone. Remember, the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Astrologically approved minor: Brownnosing.
Libra (September 23 - October 22) The weekend will bring you an entertaining surprise in the form of a vivacious Gemini. Monday will bring you a not-so-entertaining surprise in the form of VD. Astrologically approved minor: Piracy.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You may feel as though you have to put on a happy face for everyone this week. So break out that clown nose and keep it all bottled up inside, buddy. Astrologically approved minor: Consumption Research & Development.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Embrace your inner Kelly Clarkson this week. Break away, look behind those hazel eyes and find out what's really happened since you've been gone. Astrologically approved minor: Hobaggery.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) You're probably feeling guilty for neglecting some important people in your life lately. This is a good time to shower them with gifts in an attempt to rectify the situation. Astrologically approved minor: Waste Management.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18) A certain Leo may be getting on your nerves around the middle of the week. Do not brush it off, because the stars are in your corner for the rumble you've been waiting for. Be sure to lay the smack down. Astrologically approved minor: Language and Area Studies: Profanity.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Your love for both the outdoors and thrillseeking will be at a year-long high this week. Embrace this feeling by enjoying an afternoon of shoplifting followed by an invigorating getaway. Astrologically approved minor: Pre-Unemployment.
