Aries (March 21 - April 19) It is not wise to make promises that you cannot keep. A man with an abnormally large head will become a pivotal character. Lucky number: 13. Lucky vegetable: Onions.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A rendezvous with a transvestite Aquarius will leave you feeling delighted, but slightly sticky. Wear comfortable shoes. Lucky number: 27. Lucky vegetable: Celery.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A coworker will push you to your absolute limit by Wednesday. Kicking them in the face will result in a promotion by Saturday. Lucky number: 0. Lucky vegetable: Peas (the frozen kind).
Cancer (June 21 - July 21) Mars in your seventh house indicates that there is no reason for you to venture outside your home this week. Lucky Number: 1,800. Lucky vegetable: Potato.
Leo (July 22 - Aug. 22) If you are in a relationship, you will reach a new level of bliss with your significant other. If you are unattached, you will have a pity party and no one will show up. Lucky number: 1. Lucky vegetable: Broccoli.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) You are destined to have a lucky and nostalgic week. This is definitely the time to bring your parachute pants out of the closet. Lucky number: 85. Lucky vegetable: Turnips.
Libra (Sept. 23- Oct. 22) This week, you will have great potential to excel academically. This potential will be greatly increased if you are sleeping with your TA. Lucky number: 69. Lucky vegetable: Carrots.
Scorpio (Oct. 23- Nov. 21) There is a definite possibility that something unfortunate may happen to you on Tuesday, Thursday, or Sunday. Lucky number: 5 1/2. Lucky vegetable: Zucchini.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) It is highly probable that you will develop a strange rash this week. Yes, THAT kind of rash. We tried to warn you last week. Lucky number: 52.8. Lucky vegetable: Corn.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) If you have a friend in need, this is not the time to try and help them. Instead, join an aerobics class or perhaps take up pottery. Lucky number: 8. Lucky vegetable: Bell pepper.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) Allow yourself to explore your hidden talents this week. Avoid the temptation to indulge in foreign cheeses. Lucky number: 8,675,309. Lucky vegetable: Green beans.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20) Though you might feel like staying at home this weekend, this is a great time for you to go out and throw caution to the wind. Projectile vomiting may be involved. Lucky number: 151. Lucky vegetable: Olives.
