"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!"
- Homer Simpson
Some University College students in McDowell, who allegedly never leave the lounge, confirmed this suspicion in song. The lyrics went a little something like this: "We're always in the loooouunge/Yeaaahh Yeaaah." Between verses, one selfless lounge lizard dashed to the microwave to save an unsuspecting floor resident's nachos from supposedly "bubbling over." Upon further inspection, the cheese was not only solid, but cold. The resident later mused, "I think they were just trying to reclaim their territory."
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At a recent adventure to the Eagle's Nest, or, as we call it, "Superhappyfunland," we realized a problem plaguing American University. With all our supposed drive toward "social justice" and the dubious distinction of "being ethical," it hit us like the Hammer of Thor: there are people who don't know what's on a BLT (for the vegans: bacon, lettuce, tomato. Cheers). "Is that with ham?" asked the Subway clerk earnestly. This green lad will learn, but will we? Hmm.
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People. Geez. You think you know 'em, they invite you over to their room for drinks, sport, whatnot, then what do they do? They wake you up at all hours, on weekdays, blasting the "Saved by the Bell" theme song. Will we one day be 65 and grey, veiny shadows of our former spritely selves only to find our only joys in life come from after school sitcom theme songs and reruns? Hope I die before I get old, pops.
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You can always overhear some conversation gems over a leisurely lunch in TDR. Today, one girl celebrated her femininity by remarking, "Sometimes, you look down [at your chest] and it's like Christmas! It's like, hey! I forgot I had those!" Another girl tried to convince her friends to take a "giant bottle of lube" off her hands, because since her boyfriend broke up with her, said lube has apparently been "just sitting there, watching me." The group seemed uninterested, and the girl left to sit with other friends, who, we assume, also did not want her lube.
-Compiled by the Scene Staff
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