Aries (March 21 - April 19) You may feel as though you are ready to shed your outermost layer and really come into your own this week. So strip off your clothes and start that nudist colony. Convince your roommate to join and enjoy your naked bliss. Lucky dance: The Macarena.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) This weekend may bring you a heap of anxiety. The source of your worries will not be hard to locate, as he or she is right under your nose. Be ready, take aim and shoot them a giant snot rocket. You'll suddenly feel footloose and fancy-free. Lucky dance: The Running Man.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) No one seems to be working as hard as you are, Gem. You will burn out by the end of the week if you don't learn how to sit back and relax. So put your feet up and forget about your problems this weekend. After all, you won't find out about being fired until Monday. Lucky dance: The Hustle.
Cancer (June 21 - July 21) With Mars in your eighth house, a great amount of money may be on your horizon. Take this as encouragement to bet on the weekend's football games and stay up all night playing no-limit Texas Hold 'Em. After all, who needs food, shelter and electricity anyway? Lucky dance: The Sprinkler.
Leo (July 22 - August 22) Problems at your workplace may escalate this week. Be prepared to fight for your job, your desk and even your stapler. Don't think twice about reporting Bob's excessive personal phone calls or Judy's 300 daily games of spider solitaire. Lucky dance: The Windmill.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A large man may be the bearer of good news this week. Be on the lookout for a tiny woman with a mean streak. On Sunday, a medium-sized dog may just cross your path. Watch him carefully, because he might be the one you've been looking for. Lucky dance: The Electric Slide.
Libra (September 23 - October 22) Be prepared for a potentially interesting and exciting week, Libra. The opportunity you've been waiting for could finally present itself to you. However, if you don't go after it immediately, it will be lost forever. That's right, forever. Lucky dance: The Polka.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Something in your life will feel a little off this week. It may seem as though someone has been eating your snack food, sitting in your chair and sleeping in your bed. That someone just might be a ditzy blonde girl. Make sure you let her know who's boss. Lucky dance: The Hokey-Pokey.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) If anyone crosses you this week, lay the smack down on him or her. Do not be merciful; just let him or her have it. There may be sirens and handcuffs in your future, but don't worry about it now. You'll have plenty of time to think about it in solitary. Lucky dance: The Striptease.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) A saucy woman or man will come into your life and spice things up a bit this weekend. Do not allow yourself to be used and abused by this mysterious figure. Unless of course, that's the way you like it, you naughty, naughty Capricorn. Lucky dance: The Lambada (it's forbidden!).
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18) You have every right to be paranoid this week. Someone or something seems to be following you everywhere you go. By the end of the week, you may be too scared to venture out from under your bed, and the voices may be calling you. A straight jacket may be imminent. Lucky dance: The Cha-Cha Slide (a.k.a. Dancing for Dummies).
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) The secret double life you are living is finally going to catch up to you this week. You may end up trapped in a closet, hiding from Rufus. It's not your fault; he told you his name was Mary. R. Kelly may prove to be an inspiration in getting out of your predicament. Lucky dance: The Cabbage Patch.
