"I guess that ends his Festival of Lights."
-Santa Claus (played by wrestler Bill Goldberg) after stabbing a man with a menorah in the movie "Santa's Slay."
The TV commercial for "The Legend of Zorro" includes some pretty positive critical acclaim from some random critic no one has ever heard of. According to this low-level reviewer, "Zorro" has "ACTION." Three seconds later, "...AND THRILLS" pops onto the screen. This is absolutely ridiculous. For all the Scene staff knows, the reviewer could have said, "I've found more cheap action and thrills at an inner-city brothel."
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An Eagle staffer hungry for Chicago-style pizza last weekend turned in her Pizzeria Uno seat to glance at a television. Much to her horror, this motion lodged her arm in the Venus fly trap-like area between the top of the booth seat and the metal pole floating inches above it. "Oh, no!" she cried out to everyone's laughter. The staffer made it out alive but was left bruised. Her mother later consoled her with these kind words: "You're a moron! How do you end up getting your appendages stuck in such weird places?"
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Ever thought about sleeping over at Mary Graydon Center? Neither did the Scene staff, but last night a girl walked out of MGC's second floor women's room wearing striped pajamas and carrying a pillow and sleeping bag. In a possibly related story, the bathroom stunk.
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An idiot at Sunday's Death Cab for Cutie show requested "Clark Gable." "Clark Gable" is by the Postal Service, you moron! So what if it's the same singer? The Postal Service is electronic! Are you too short to see the stage? That's a drum, not a drum machine! And over there is Chris Walla playing guitar, not Jimmy Tamborello doing DJ tricks! Get your music straight and shut the hell up.
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Do "Do They Know It's Christmas" and other celebrity benefit songs annoy you to no end? They did former Unicorns frontman Nick Diamonds, so he wrote a song about it! And it rules! It's called "Do They Know It's Halloween," and it's got everyone in it - Beck, David Cross, two members of the Arcade Fire, Elvira, Lady of the Night, and so many more! Check it out: http://www.vice-recordings.com-/halloween/. Or buy it on iTunes to benefit UNICEF.
-Compiled by the Scene staff
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