In the National Gallery of Ireland in Dublin, I saw the painting "Cupid and Psyche Under the Nuptial Bower" (bear with me, it was a slow week). It was a representation of the marriage between the mythological agent of desire and the incarnation of our brain's facility for emotion. Both figures were naked, in a pose that suggested their unbridled passion for each other. Of course this made me think about sex. It's obvious that desire and emotion play a large role when it comes to our sexual behavior, but what place do rationality and reason have when it comes to copulation?
There are numerous times when we allow our desire or passion for someone to subvert rational thought. These are usually called hook-ups or one night stands. So why is it that when we "like" someone we hold off as long as possible before going to bed with them? What makes this feeling different than with those who we'll readily go to bed with? If the emotion is there, as well as the desire, why do we allow our head to overrule our heart?
It's strange that many of us believe that rushing into sex will not result in a relationship. I find this odd because many people rarely go on actual dates, but instead begin "relationships" after repeatedly hooking up with the same person. The main thing they share is their desire for each other, and rarely fully develop an emotional or mental connection.
While in these "relationships," people are willing to tolerate certain behaviors from one another that a rational person in a serious relationship wouldn't consider acceptable. Calling out someone else's name during sex, or even hooking up with someone else, is often overlooked, because the parties involved are not sure whether or not they're in an actual relationship.
As a result, these relationships lack certain aspects that are crucial to keeping commitment alive. Romance is one of the single biggest threats to relationships based only on sex. It can be a sure- fire way to send the object of your affection heading for the hills, or the nearest bar. Romantic gestures signal that one views the other as something more than just a carnal pastime, and perhaps desires to commit. If the other is not prepared for commitment, and wants to keep their options open, you can say so long to the carefree days of no-strings-attached sex.
After three consecutive nights out with someone, I bought wine and cheese the following evening for an intimate night in. This resulted in an uncomfortable IM conversation the following day asking if we could just be friends. He considered it a sign that I wanted to be more serious, and he didn't share the sentiment.
On the other hand, romance can be used to seduce someone who may be adverse to your advances. If successful, the danger is they may assume that you want more than you are willing to offer. I wanted to resist the guy who had a boyfriend, but he surprised me at work with gourmet pizza and wine, followed by drinks at the Ritz. This made me think that maybe he did want more than just a roll in the hay. He got another notch on his bedpost, and all I got was a hangover.
Separating the motives of the head, heart and loins is very difficult. We say we want the ideal partner: smart, funny, caring and sexy. Our loins make us go home with the sexy ones, to satisfy desire. Our heart never calls the caring ones back, afraid it will get hurt. We ignore our head and don't even talk to the smart and funny ones, frightened that it may tell us to settle down.
When our heart tells us we like someone and we are willing to lower our expectations in one or two of these areas, our head obsesses over what's lacking. Even if we patiently wait for the holes to be filled by the positive traits, our loins grow impatient and it all falls apart.
So maybe the only kind of relationship we can handle in college is one that chiefly consists of passion. When we try to let our mind rule, it is only our heart and loins that suffer. We are too young to compromise passion by dating or even just hooking up with someone that doesn't make our heart pound. Maybe we shouldn't expect romance or the perfect intellectual connection, not yet at least.
In memory of Chris Salazar, who taught me that life is too short to let your head overrule your heart.
