Aries (March 21 - April 19) Sometimes you just have to go with the flow. Even if it means drifting down the creek without a paddle in a boat chartered by a large ex-con named One-Nut Larry. Happy trails to you, my friend. Lucky '80s hair band: Quiet Riot
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Some say the truth will set you free, but you know those fools are lying. The truth will totally knock you on your ass this week, so avoid it at all costs. Don't just tell little white lies, tell a wonderful web of big lies. Nothing bad can happen if you do. Lucky '80s hair band: Whitesnake
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) People like to try to keep you hidden away or under their thumbs. This week, break out from those who restrain you and run as far as you can. Tell all their secrets, and be kind to that gnome. He will make everything a lot easier for you. After all, he is a gnome. Lucky '80s hair band: Journey
Cancer (June 21 - July 21) Mars leaving your 11th house indicates you will have an influx of cuddliness this week. That's right, you're about to spend a week feeling all warm and squishy inside about everything and everyone. Yes, we know, that puppy is so cute. Shut up already! Lucky '80s hair band: Def Leppard
Leo (July 22 - August 22) A sparrow will bring you word that something is amiss in the meadow on Tuesday. You will be lead to the source of the problems by a gaggle of geese on Thursday. Deep discussion with a duck will resolve the matters on Friday. Chicken parmesean on Saturday. Lucky '80s hair band: Twisted Sister
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) There's nothing quite like a good friend, and you are surely in need of one this week. Have no fear; that person will definitely be around. He or she will listen to your problems just like always. Sure, you're the only one who can see him or her, but that's just fine. Lucky '80s hair band: Cinderella
Libra (September 23 - October 22) Nobody's stopping you, Libra. So what are you waiting for, an engraved invitation? Get off your lazy butt and do it. You will not regret taking advantage of this once in a lifetime offer. After all, how many times does one get asked to join a traveling mime troupe? Lucky '80s hair band: Guns 'N' Roses
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Do you hear that? No, not that buzzing sound, the one that kind of reminds you of your grandparents' doorbell. Listen closely, and you'll hear someone telling you the meaning of life. Write it down word for word, place it in a green envelope and bring it the philosophy department. Lucky '80s hair band: Skid Row
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Who cares what they say? Not you, Sag. This has always been your attitude, and you best keep it up. If you are enjoying yourself, it doesn't matter what anyone else says. You don't have a "problem," and you certainly aren't "out of control." You can stop any time you want. Lucky '80s hair band: Warrant
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) This week, listen to what your friends are telling you. Ask their opinions on everything you do, because you need help. Look at you. Did you get dressed in the dark? Consult other people before you attempt to do anything until further notice. Lucky '80s hair band: Motley Crue
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18) Spend the next few days in serious contemplation. You need to meditate and really think about your life this week. Ask yourself: Where have all the cowboys gone? Who let the dogs out? What's love got to do with it? Why does sorry seem to be the hardest word? Lucky '80s hair band: Ratt
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) What do you think you're doing, huh? Have you thought about anyone else this week? I don't think so. Be generous to those around you. Bake them cookies, treat them to dinner and give them back massages. Especially if one of the people around you happens to predict the future. Lucky '80s hair band: Poison
