In kindergarten, we were taught that sharing is caring. Having this cemented in my consciousness since my first year at St. Thomas Catholic Elementary, I've always been more than willing to share with my friends. Notes, clothes, alcohol and even money is willingly lent to my close friends. So why does sharing a lover with a friend present so many difficult problems?
This may seem like a no-brainer. Any one-night stand or hook-up poses the possible threat of a relationship that will rival your friendships. Not to mention the hurt feelings and jealousy that would arise if one friend were chosen over the other. Even if one weren't chosen, the first friendship would probably suffer.
It all seems so logical. In movies or television, we've all seen the group or pair of friends declare they will never let girls or boys come between them. Frat boys declare, "Bros before hos!" and 'White Christmas' warns, "God help the Mister that comes between me and my sister." Unfortunately for me, I'm not in a frat and I have never seen that movie.
I met Paul and Mike at a pub-crawl a couple weeks into the semester. They had been close friends for about a year and were both quite attractive. I got drawn into a conversation with Paul that turned into dancing, making out and bringing him home with me. He confessed that he sometimes hooked up with Mike. I found it strange, having never hooked up with my best friends, but after I found out how inexperienced he was, Mike might have been his only option. He was conservative and bad in bed, and the next morning I told him I thought we should just be friends.
A couple weeks later, in mixed company again with both of them, I somehow ended up alone with Mike. Some talking, a few drinks, and we were making out on the dance floor. Paul had found someone else, so it didn't seem like any boats were being rocked. I went home with Mike, and it was quite the opposite experience. I told him the next morning that we should do it again sometime.
The following weekend, Mike invited me to go with them to a club. When I arrived, Paul and Mike were waiting in line for the coat check. I was greeted briefly and then treated as if I didn't exist. Not easily discouraged, I started talking to my other friends and followed them to the dance floor. After a couple drinks, some whispered conversation, and several irritating Euro-pop songs later, it was apparent that Paul and Mike were only interested in each other. They began to make out in front of me, and I was suddenly only interested in another drink. I didn't say anything to either of them, just left the club with the hope that I would never see them again.
At first I was angry, but sober realization revealed that I was mostly to blame. They were best friends with benefits. Did I think that I could compete with that? Well of course I did, but the truth is, no one can.
While a friend of mine didn't witness her ex and his best friend making out, she did feel the backlash that accompanied her summer fling with the friend. He was unaffected, but she felt like the skank who had hooked up with both of them. The ex decided he wanted her back, causing her to regret her indiscretion even more. So why did she decide to share herself? The friend was like a designer dress, one size too big, on clearance. She could never have it before, and though she knew it wouldn't fit, she had just enough money to get it. A one-night stand with previously forbidden fruit can be worse than buyer's remorse when you've lost the receipt.
The danger of getting involved with two friends should be evident by now. You could ruin a friendship or cause a breakup and damage your reputation in the process. So maybe my best friend was correct when her attempt at simple addition resulted in the ingenious conclusion that 3 + 2 = 1. Three different relationships involving two friends will leave you all alone.
I still let my friends borrow my shirts, and if they need cab fare I'm there for them, but they can't hook up with my previous lovers. They would not only be out a friend, but half their wardrobe and a lot of cash.
