With 2006 fast approaching, it is officially time to decide what will change beginning on Jan. 1. That's right. It's a new year, a fresh start, time to ditch that disgusting habit (it's okay, everyone eats to ease the pain) and make a promise to change for the better. This year, however, try to be creative. Everyone tries to quit smoking, eat healthy and exercise more, but be better than that. Consider these resolutions:
1. Stop quoting "Napoleon Dynamite." It wasn't particularly funny when Napoleon said all that stuff over a year ago, as well as the one billion times he's said it on DVD since then. For the new year, lose the Napoleon-speak. Come to think of it, throw out - no, burn - the Napoleon key chain and window sticker from 7/11.
2. Lose the "Hey-Ya" ring tone. Even if it did cost 99 cents, it's time to let that investment go. Everyone around is embarrassed for you when your phone rings, if anyone still calls you. If "Hey Ya" is still your ring tone, perhaps your new year's resolution should be to make some friends.
3. Learn a new party trick. By now, all your friends have seen you open a beer can with your teeth. They've also seen you throw up without opening your mouth. This year, wow your friends. Pick up a copy of "Darrin's Dance Groove" and learn a pop and lock routine or teach yourself a magic trick, like levitation.
4. Organize your porn collection. You can't even find your copy of "Debbie Does Dallas" and you're tired of the newest Hairy Peter installment, so set aside some time to Dewey Decimal-ize your porn. Imagine how convenient it will be to locate a video with a quick flip through your newly installed card catalog. And don't worry, organizing your porn collection doesn't make you sad; having a porn collection large enough to catalog might, though.
5. Watch more "Full House." By the time you get to college, many of the things once considered "bad" are now a part of everyday life. Cheating, smoking, stealing, running over your new blue sweater with a lawn mower and then lying about it, etc., have all become second nature. So in 2006, have higher morals, at least vicariously, by spending some time with the Tanner family.
