All in all, 2005 has been a great sports year, especially since the semester started in August. It's been so good, in fact, that I've put together a little award ceremony to honor it, as I hand out the First Annual Beanies.
Man of the Year: Reggie Bush, Southrn California. Bush is 20 years old. I'm 21. He's rushed for 1,658 yards and 15 touchdowns. I once caught four passes in a losing effort in an intramural flag football game.
Bush is about to win the Heisman Trophy and earn millions of dollars in the NFL. I can't even win the Heisman Trophy in NCAA football, the video game, and I'm justifying passing up on "buy one, get one free" ice cream at Safeway by saying, "I'll spend that $2.50 somewhere else."
Oh yeah, and Bush might be the best college football player ever.
Anti-Man of the Year: Terrell Owens. I think that he made a running bet with someone at the beginning of the year that he'd make 10 bucks every time someone in the media mentioned his name.
By my estimation, he's right now behind Bill Gates in the Forbes 100. I mean, if the government devoted as much time to Iraq as the press has to T.O., we might've found those weapons of mass destruction by now.
Biggest Surprise of the Year: Chicago White Sox. Congratulations guys, maybe now you can be the third biggest story in your own city, behind the Cubs and the Bears, sneaking ahead of the AFL's Chicago Rush and the Blackhawks.
Smallest Surprise of the Year: The Atlanta Hawks. Right now, the Hawks are 2-14. I mean, it's so bad that people in the Tampa Bay Devil Ray organization are saying "Hey, at least we're not the Hawks."
Joke of the Year: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, a rabid American hockey fan and Ben Ladner are equidistant from a dollar bill and are all running to get it. Who gets there first? None of them, because the first three aren't real and Ben Ladner doesn't need the money. He's got his platinum parachute.
Worst Signing of the Year: Hot off the presses, Grady Little signed up to be the manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers. Hey Dodgers fans, here's a quick way of figuring out what Little will do: Think of the worst possible move he could make in any situation, and then expect him to make it.
I wouldn't be surprised to see Eric Gagne (winner of the Best Glasses and Beard Combo Beanie) closing a game one night, starting the next, then playing third base the next night
Well with that the Beanies, and Beaneball come to an end. I will be going across the pond next semester to the land of "football" and cricket, perhaps most confusing sport ever.
I want to thank you, the loyal reader, for putting up with my column every Thursday before heading on over to the Police Blotter. And if the least I did was put a tiny smile on your face, then I've done my job. Mahalo.
