"Modern art makes me want to rock out!" -British band Art Brut in their tune, "Modern Art."
So, apparently, sex happens in the dorms. Apparently, some AU students engage in sexual activities, right there in such close proximity to everyone else. Fine. We Eagle staffers will offer the benefit of the doubt. But one Eagle staffer, then oblivious to the ways of the loins, overheard some troubling pillow talk while busily and dutifully reading his accounting homework: "I CAN-NOT bone to R. Kelly. I REFUSE. Turn it off."
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Saddam Hussein. Former dictator. Killer of innocents. Egotist. Jerk. Cutie pie. Right? Honestly, the guy is freaking adorable. Look at that little pen, pointing out the infidels, and that coy little beard, hiding the true intentions of his chiseled jaw and ever-furrowed brow. The man is a stud. Let's deny it no longer.
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Attention smart people: pay special mind this Friday to people's feet during the forecasted snowstorm. Make it a little game: every idiot you see wearing sandals or shorts or otherwise inappropriate attire, make a mental note. At the end of the storm, add all the instances together. Multiple by five and divide by three. Take the square root of that, add 25, and divide by two. That's your self-satisfaction quotient for not being an idiot. Congratulations!
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Meteorologists - "weathermen" for all the laymen out there - are liars. Filthy liars, even. Just ask, like, half your friends. Maybe more than half. Maybe even all of them. Technology is pretty advanced these days, isn't? Shouldn't we have, like, time machines by now? We wanted lots of snow, you jerks!
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After an otherwise normal elevator ride in McDowell, a female resident was saluted by her 'vator companion. Maybe he's in ROTC. Maybe she was rocking this season's military look. Either way, it made her uncomfortable.
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This week's snowstorm brought glee, winter cheer, mittens, and some raunchy sculpture onto the main quad. Some industrious students worked diligently, rolling ball after ball of crisp snow, culminating in the final assembly in front of Kay Spiritual Center. The creation was identifiable as a snowman rather than a snowperson, or snowwoman, because his erect snow member was spotted saluting Kay.
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So Coca-Cola is phasing out Vanilla Coke. And they're going to make Diet Cherry Vanilla Coke. Here are some more new flavors Coke may, may not, already have or should try. Pepsi Coke. Broccoli Coke. Avian Flu Vaccine Coke (it will be huge overseas!). Dog Coke. Poppy Seed Coke. Obese Coke (slated for the European market to emulate that American look). Nicotine Coke. Snake Venom Coke. Zombie Repellant Coke. Ninja Coke (for ninjas). Anti-ninja coke (for ninja fighters). New Coke Classic Extreme III.
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Make your own out of context!
Yesterday, _______[person] was seen _______ing [verb] an underclassman. The victim was _______[adjective] with _______[noun] and demanded their ________[noun] back. University administrator ___________[university administrator] observed the event and suggested starting a National _________[noun] Day to commemorate the event. ________[student group] has plans to protest the holiday. Club president __________[AU Student] said this was _______ing [expletive] _________[adjective].
Cheat sheet for non-lit majors:
Person: A person
Verb: Action
Adjective: Describing word
Noun: Person, place or thing
Student Group: A group of students
AU Student: Person (see above) who
goes to AU
Expletive: Word your mom won't let you say.
-Compiled by the Scene staff
