Aries (March 21 - April 19) In terms of your love life, it appears you've been left out in the cold. Thankfully, you remembered to wear a pair of extra socks and packed your scarf. However, all the layers in the world are not going to save you from the abominable snowman that will be waiting on your doorstep. Star-prescribed breakup excuse: "It's not you, it's me."
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) This week will be light, crisp and bubbly. The weekend will go down smooth and at first you will feel refreshed. You'll be in the clear until Tuesday, when the bizarre aftertaste of your weekend materializes. It will be bitter, with a hint of coconut and a touch of nutmeg. Star-prescribed breakup excuse: "Hey, look over there!"
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will meet someone this week at a social gathering. Said person will inform you that he or she is, in fact, a big deal. He or she may also mention having many leather bound books and an apartment that smells of rich mahogany. The morning after, you will walk down the street and realize milk was a bad choice. Star-prescribed breakup excuse: "Your sister does it better."
Cancer (June 21 - July 21) Mars in retrograde indicates that you will feel as though you are completely stuck this week. Surprisingly, you will not realize that you are not getting anywhere until Saturday morning, when it comes to your attention that you have stepped into a vat of quick-drying cement. Hey, at least your friends will be amused. Star-prescribed breakup excuse: "I now believe in total celibacy."
Leo (July 22 - Aug. 22) Is it the recent full moon that has given you a sudden burst of energy, Leo? It seems that over the next few weeks you will be bouncing off the walls and exploding with ideas. This shift in your life energy will come to halt when your roommate finds your stash of speed and turns out to be a total narc. Star-prescribed breakup excuse: "I won't be out for another seven to 10 years."
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) There's nothing like eating cheese on a Sunday afternoon with your dearest friends, is there? Seek out other forms of low-key relaxation with your loved ones this week. After all, this is the time to enjoy the benefits of all the money you've made during your bank-robbing career. Star-prescribed breakup excuse: "I can get my drugs cheaper from someone else."
Libra (Sept. 23- Oct. 22) You will have a surprising encounter in the middle of the night that will leave you feeling confused and a little disturbed. However, a mysterious guy will give you a painting that is sexual and violent, and even if you get thrown out of the house, you will keep it. After all, it was a gift. Star-prescribed breakup excuse: "We should sleep with other people."
Scorpio (Oct. 23- Nov. 21) Venus in your 12th house will provide you with some extra motivation at work. Do not expect a promotion or a raise, but do make sure to Xerox your buttocks. It will certainly heat up your affair with the mailroom attendant who wears the really short shorts. Now is the time to really go for the gold and shag the sandwich cart person. Star-prescribed breakup excuse: "You really don't look like your picture."
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) It appears as though the solution to your problems has been right in front of you all along. If only you had guessed correctly before you opened the tiny manilla envelope. Unfortunately, you did not guess that it was Colonel Mustard with the wrench, and you will now live with the consequences. Star-prescribed breakup excuse: "It turns out I am allergic to crazy."
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) Go ahead and try to deny it when your roommate asks, but you definitely know who is sending you papier-m?ch? body parts with hearts drawn all over them. Not only do you know who it is, but that person is, in fact, your former music teacher who is now your secret lover. Star-prescribed breakup excuse: "I'm running away with your best friend."
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) If you are contemplating the possibility of making some changes in your life, this is the week to do it. Throw out your three-week-old lucky bologna sandwich and evict Larry, the freeloader who has taken to sleeping in or around your residence in his Barbie pajamas. Star-prescribed breakup excuse: "The majority of the voices said I should do this."
Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20) Though it may become extremely difficult, you must keep the faith alive this week. It will be so tempting to give up on your ultimate dream, but you have to hold out. The Wham! Reunion Tour is a goal that's worth fighting for and a reason to wake up before you go-go. Star-prescribed breakup excuse: "Giggles the Clown has a five-year plan. What do you have"
