President Bush's eloquent State of the Union address this past Tuesday finally spelled everything out for the American people. We here at The Scene wanted to suspend our usual "Out of Context" to highlight some of the more inspirational sections of the speech. Between a continuing war on terror and a new war against mythical man-beasts, the President has put America on a new track for success in the next year. Don't let Hillary's bitter smile confuse you; these are things that everyone can agree on.
1. "No one can deny the success of freedom, but some men rage and fight against it." Like newly-confirmed Justice Alito?
2. "We love our freedom, and we will fight to keep it." And we love our vagueness, and we will fight to keep it.
3. "The United States will not retreat from the world, and we will never surrender to evil." We will, however, pay thousands of dollars to be blasted out of earth's atmosphere, and proceed to surrender to good.
4. "We have killed or captured many of their leaders - and for others, their day will come." Schwarzenegger, you're so next.
5. "[Law enforcers] also deserve the same tools they already use to fight drug trafficking and organized crime - so I ask you to reauthorize the Patriot Act." Because the real way to bring down organized crime is to look at their library records. Watch those late fees.
6. "This year, the first of about 78 million baby boomers turn 60, including two of my dad's favorite people - me and President Bill Clinton." He may be itching for Marilyn Monroe to sing him "Happy Birthday." We think he was kidding about the Bill Clinton part.
7. "We must continue to lead the world in human talent and creativity. ... Tonight I announce the American Competitiveness Initiative." Mandatory speed walking time trials for all citizens. Ready, set, go!
8. "Tonight I ask you to pass legisla tion to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research ... creating human-animal hybrids..." So, basically, no more centaurs are allowed in our country's communities. Narnia is doomed!
9. "As we recover from a disaster, let us also work for the day when all Americans are protected by justice, equal in hope and rich in opportunity." Because right now, you're not protected by justice, hope is foolish and opportunity is only for the rich.
