A lot of things can change in 10 years.
Take the last decade, for instance. We've seen technology grow at unprecedented rates, making our lives more productive and our access to pornography that much greater. We've experienced the rebirth of religious fundamentalism, in both the East and West, thankfully ditching the political correctness movement of the early '90s. We've even lost a planet in our solar system, leaving school children frantic as they desperately try to figure out what Nine things their Very Excellent Mother Just Served.
It seems, though, that throughout all this political and social upheaval, one thing, one deciding global factor, has remained fascistly constant: America's ravenous desire for trendy toys.
This admission comes on the furry red heels of the new Tickle Me Elmo doll, which was unveiled last week. Ten years after the first version soared to sandbox supremacy, pitting neighbor against neighbor in an all-out crusade for Elmo ownership, the infamous toy has returned, albeit with a dashing, modern look. Actually, as far as I can tell, it looks the same as the last one, except with bigger feet. But this incarnation, dubbed the Tickle Me Elmo T.M.X. (the initials stand for "Tickle Me extreme"), is eXtremely updated for the 21st century. After you rub its belly, it goes into an all-out eXtreme hysterical fit, slapping its hands and stomping its feet, even falling to the ground, eXtremely, all with the uproarious sound of Elmo's distinct, devilish laughter constantly echoing in the background. It's enough eXtreme action to make you eXtremely nauseous.
None of this information, however, nor even a mere glimpse of the actual doll, was available until the grand unveiling. The despotic toy empire of Fisher Price was able to keep Elmo's appearance and zany actions more classified than certain, much-disputed covert operations done under the guise of national security (if Cheney is Darth Vader, then the CEO of Fisher Price is definitely that guy who fries everyone with lightning bolts from his hands).
Not surprisingly, all this carefully planned commotion has drummed up more attention than should ever be bestowed on a child's plaything. When it was finally released last Tuesday, it instantly sold out at countless retailers nationwide, and within minutes was being hocked on eBay for more than double (and in some cases triple) the $34.95 retail price, which is already way too much to dish out for a doll that basically soils itself from laughing too hard (something to consider for later prototypes).
And now that the fuzz is loose, let the human depravity begin. The first shot in the war has been fired, and by none other than a man known in underground toy circles as the "Hot Wheels guy." The as-of-yet nameless culprit, whose proclivity for the miniature racecar brand earned him his street-hardened alias, was seriously distraught when he was beaten to the last Elmo doll on the rack at his local Target in Tampa, Fla. When another customer grabbed the last two available dolls and handed one to an elderly lady next to him, "Hot Wheels guy," described by witnesses as wearing all black, sporting dark sunglasses and flaunting a dangerous black mullet, got belligerent and according to the victim, threatened to kill him if the fellow Elmo enthusiast ever showed up at his Target again.
For now, this stands as the benchmark for degeneracy and iniquity in our society. And the holiday season has not even started yet. This will only get worse. As an advanced country and culture, we are truly blessed with so many things that enrich our lives, so many ways to bring ourselves and our families closer than ever; yet all we can seem to focus on is what we don't own. Consumerism has replaced all the values we once held sacred, and left us struggling to breathe under a smoldering pile of corporate debris and discarded corrugated cardboard.
At least when everything finally collapses, when the commodities we crave have extinguished our natural resources and left us disconnected from each other and ourselves, there will be plenty of boxes to huddle in as we tremble and shiver at the onset of another harsh winter as a collectively disjointed nation. Don't worry, though, we won't freeze to death; I hear the fur on the new Tickle Me Elmo is eXtremely good at kindling.
