Dear Blair Bryant,
My roommate and I have a problem with our neighbors. They're nice girls and we get along fine. However, every night we hear one of them having sex with her boyfriend. Between the squeaky bed springs and their loud moaning, it's incredibly hard to sleep. This seriously continues for hours. We don't want to say anything, but it'd be nice if they put on some courtesy music or something. What should we do?
-Annoyed
Dear Annoyed,
Having lived in the residence halls off and on for the last three years I definitely understand your dilemma. In fact, I think my neighbor, who happened to be my RA, and I had synchronized sex one time. Now that should be an Olympic sport!
Yes, there are always those couples whom, no matter how nicely you ask them to quiet down or introduce ball gags into their sexual routine, will continue to keep you up at night. Even if you did ask them to quiet down, there would still be the bed squeaking to contend with. If you have already tried to ask them politely to vary their routine, perhaps by using the boyfriend's room sometimes, or having sex earlier in the day, there doesn't seem to be much you can do to change their behavior. So you need to decide a way to adapt to the situation for yourself.
Many of my friends would wear earplugs, and as long as you can still hear your alarm clock that is definitely a good option for shutting out unwanted distractions. But I understand that this isn't just simple noise disruption. Music, television and even talking can be tuned out, but overheard sex triggers our innate sexual curiosity, making it difficult to avoid listening in or imagining the participants. So in the future try to think of the noise as just a boring Cinemax movie you put on to fall asleep to. Mentally disengage from thinking about what is going on and focus on imagining yourself in a peaceful place. If that doesn't work, follow the advice of a writer much more prolific than I: "If you can't join 'em, beat it." Maybe the endorphins from your climax will ease you to a pleasant sleep.
Dear Mr. Nichols,
I just transferred to AU and I'm finding that most of the girls I know don't put out, and so I feel really out of place. Why are the girls here such prudes compared to other schools and other cities?
-Not A Prude
Dear Not a Prude,
Well I'm sure the ladies of American University would be pleased to know you haven't judged them all to be promiscuous sluts. Though I don't know what school you transferred from, I can't imagine that the percentage of prudes is significantly higher here.
There are two major things about AU you have to keep in mind. We are a relatively small school with a much higher number of females to males. Sure, that makes it sound like on any given night any guy should have his pick of two or three girls to sleep with, but that is not how the numbers actually work. With so many girls, the competition for guys is heavy, and consequently the more popular guys usually do have a nice selection to choose from. From here the girls break down into three basic categories.
The first group finds a boyfriend either here or elsewhere and then maintains a long-term relationship for most of college. The second group is content chasing the more popular guys and don't mind sleeping with different members of this strata, remaining virtually single but still sexually active. The third group, perhaps not interested in a relationship like group one, and jaded by the promiscuity of the girls and guys in group two, opt to remain single and abstinent either by choice or as a victim of circumstance.
My guess is that you have encountered many girls from group three who have made the conscious decision not to compete and simply allow guys to come their way. There is nothing wrong with this approach and you should use it to your advantage. My guess is that there are very few girls who actually want to remain chaste. Take the time to get to know a girl you're interested in and chances are you'll start hooking up or even dating. They say that nothing worth having ever came easy, so why would you think something easy is worth having, either?
