Welcome to the special Celebrity Mailbag edition of Five Cents, where the questions may not be real, but the advice is. In a few weeks, I want to try doing an actual mailbag, so e-mail in your questions to pa3684a@american.edu. Now on with the fake questions.
1. "Hear about any job openings? We've already checked Craigslist and we aren't qualified for anything on there." -Ken Macha, Steve Lyons and Lamar Thomas
Three suddenly-vacant positions and three unemployed sports personalities; it seems to me like you could all easily replace one another.
Ken, you were fired this week because your players didn't respect you, so you'd fit right in on the Fox network calling the World Series. At the very least, you'd be able to call the players by their correct names, a skill that Tim McCarver has yet to master.
Lamar, for your next source of employment, look no further than the Oakland A's. After getting swept out of the playoffs by the Detroit Tigers, the A's look like they could use a little intensity next season, something that you can obviously provide. Watch out for Milton Bradley though, he might take your pre-game speeches a little too literally and actually start a fight out on the field.
As for you Steve, just like the pickle girl on Maury, it's time for you to face your fears. I know that hearing people "habla-ing" other languages can be scary, but it is time for you to get over it, and there's no better place to send you than South Florida. As the next commentator for the Miami Hurricanes, you'll have a chance to endear yourself with the Latin community and maybe even find your wallet. As an added bonus, you'll be close to Boca, so you can go hang out with Shawn Green.
2. "What are the chances that I get traded to the Cubs?" -Alex Rodriguez
Sorry A-Rod, but the chances of Lou Pinella serenading you in Spanish next season aren't very good. While your tendency to choke in big spots would allow you to fit right in on the South Side, the Cubs will not be willing to give up Carlos Zambrano for you, because as the Yankees proved this year, it doesn't matter how good your lineup is if you don't have any pitching. That being said, the Yankees certainly seem willing to get rid of you, and several teams would probably be interested.
3. "We may have lost on Monday night, but it's OK because I'm good, right?" -Matt Leinart
Matt, on Monday night you had the chance to expose the Chicago Bears as a bigger fraud than Wesley Snipes, and you failed (that's right, USC's golden boy didn't get it done, and it feels good for those of us that aren't perfect).
Let's face it, Matt. You may have played well, but your team botched that game worse than the doctor who did Tara Reid's breast implants. You might have the least amount of blame on that team, but you did fumble away a ball that Chicago ran back for a touchdown. If you had held onto that ball, maybe the Bears never would have score a touchdown at all. Oh well, at least you covered the spread.
4. "Have you seen the Sabres' new jerseys? How am I supposed to intimidate people dressed like that?" -Brian Campbell
I know that nobody cares about hockey anymore, but Buffalo's new jerseys are so ugly that I can't not answer this fake question. How ugly are they? Let's just say this: If you search for pictures of the "New Sabres jersey" on Google, you get a picture of the Islanders infamous fish sticks logo.
However, my roommate, Mike (the same guy who loves J.P. Losman), claims that the jerseys are growing on the team. That's either because the Sabres are undefeated or because he is forced to listen to games over Internet radio.
However, Mr. Brian Campbell, you don't have to worry about having to intimidate anyone, no matter how ugly your sweater is. All you have to do is get the scoreboard operator to show your hit on R.J. Umberger a couple of times during practice and the other team will know not to go anywhere near you.
5. "Did I make the right decision choosing Deelishis over New York?" -Flavor Flav
You may have made the right decision for yourself (though did you really expect to find your soul mate on a reality dating show?), but you definitely weren't thinking of the fans when you let New York go. She was without a doubt the breakout star of the first season, setting the bar so high for season two that she had to be brought back because none of the new girls were as crazy as her.
A spin-off show featuring you trying to start a new life with New York would have been ratings gold. Instead you're stuck with Deelishis, a girl with no personality (aka, she isn't crazy), and we're all stuck wondering what could have been.
Heads of the VH1 network, if you are reading this, please give New York her own reality dating show. Imagine "New York State of Mind," a show where 20 of the trashiest men (pimps, ex-cons, gang members) all compete for her heart . and two million dollars. York's mom has to give her blessing first! You all know you'd watch, don't deny it.
