Dear Blair Bryant,
I am very confused and don't know what to do. Numerous times I have come into my room and seen my roommate naked. He gives me very sexual looks and I think he kind of has a thing for me. On multiple occasions I have walked in on him masturbating, and he continues over in the corner as I try to get some work done, or I just hang outside. My roommate is an admitted homosexual and he doesn't know that I am. I don't want things to get weird between us, but I think I might have feelings for him as well. Many times at night I have sat up fantasizing about sexually experimenting with him. I think he has the same ideas about me, but I am not sure if it's the best idea to express my feelings for him since we are roommates. What should I do?
-Confused
Dear Confused,
At a university with as healthy a gay population as American, this sort of dilemma presents itself pretty often. In fact, I have had three gay roommates, including my randomly assigned freshman year roommate. Luckily, my roommates were respectful with their personal habits and we weren't attracted to each other.
I think the first thing you need to do is to confront your roommate about this behavior. If you don't mind him playing solitaire while you are in the room that is one thing, but that is something you shouldn't have to tolerate in your living environment. You two should be able to work out times when you would like the room to yourself.
As for your curiosity and possible mutual attraction, I think you should be very cautious. While curiosity and sexual appetite are natural, the excitement and convenience of the situation could be disastrous. If you are comfortable discussing your feelings with your roommate, be honest with him, but also stress that you think hooking up would make things very complicated.
If you two are capable of remaining platonic, you will be surprised about how great it is to have a gay friend you can talk to and possible go out to meet other guys with. Your roommate can become your best ally. If you don't think you will be able to discuss this with him I would encourage you to talk to someone, whether it be a close friend, a family member or even going to a Common Ground meeting on Wednesday nights at the GLBTA Resource Center. It's a confidential support group for queer and questioning students. Just be sure to think carefully about whatever you decide to do. Imagine breaking up with someone whom you can't avoid and has direct access to all of your personal belongings. That's a scary thought.
Dear Mr. Nichols,
I recently had an incredible one-night hookup with this really hot guy. I knew him through friends and thought he was incredibly hot, but never thought I could have him. One drunken night he decided he wanted me, and it turned out to be the best sex of my life. I knew it would never be more than one night, and resolved myself to be happy with just the memory. Later, though, one of his friends told me that he only slept with me because he felt sorry for me. I was shocked and offended to find out that he was only into me for pity. All of a sudden my wonderful memory of that night was ruined. My friends say that I am overreacting, but somehow being someone's pity-fuck makes me feel dirty. Does it matter? I was fine with it just being a drunken thing on his part, but somehow cannot stomach it being a pity thing. Am I overreacting?
Sincerely,
Pissed off
Dear Pissed off,
First of all, I don't think you are overreacting. No one should be made to feel like a charity case, and it's not like he didn't get any pleasure out of the event as well. Second of all, I think we both know that even if we consider someone below our standards, it doesn't mean that extreme inebriation would allow us to hook up with someone we didn't find at least somewhat attractive. Chances are he wanted to save face in front of his friends so he didn't look like an easy slut, and the friend who passed this information along was probably jealous that you had gotten him into bed in the first place.
While my perception of former lovers has definitely been altered by later realizing they are assholes, my specific memories of the sex remain untainted and useful for those lonely nights. So I wouldn't worry so much about feeling used. You got to live out a fantasy of a guy you had been lusting over and that is something no one can ever take away. If this continues to bother you, maybe you should find a pity-fuck of your own. Who knows, it could be even better.
Blair Bryant Nichols is a sex columnist for The Eagle. Each Monday, he answers your questions about sex and relationships. Is your heart broken from your first break-up, or just your hymen from your first college party?
E-mail your sex queries to
blairbryant.nichols@gmail .com.
Answers will appear in future issues, but we'll keep your name to ourselves. Come on! Everybody does it...
