1. Open a daycare With allegations of prison abuse at Abu Ghraib, Rumsfeld has learned more than a few lessons about institutionalized care.
2. Form a cover band It's a little known fact that Rumsfeld strums on the ol' banjo when he gets stressed. He's been covering hits like "War (What is it good for?)" and "Pretty Fly for a White Guy" for years, but only now does he have a chance to record and take his sounds to the people. When he tours, though, we hope he changes his band's name from Rummy and the Bombardiers.
3. Join a LARPing troupe In the competitive world of live action role-playing, Gin Rummy can finally be anyone he wants to be. And seriously, who wants to be a retiree with a questionable record when they can be a level 39 Wood Elf/Mage?
4.Putter around the house For years, Mrs. Rumsfeld has been nagging Donny about liberating the drainpipe, invading the insurgent basement and cleansing Baghdad of rebels. Oh wait, he did that last one already. Lay off him, Mrs. Rumsfeld, or you're next.
5. Spy on neighbors Why is Mr. Johnson always in his garden at night? Is he moving Don's lawn gnomes? Is he checking on his hidden nuclear weapons?! Now Rumsfeld has the time to find out. Hope little Suzy doesn't mind when she finds out her daddy has been detained indefinitely!
6. Road trip to Niagara Falls in a Winnebago This guy is in desperate need of a vacation. Like seriously. What better way to enjoy the beauty of his glorious country than by taking a trip up to the U.S.-Canadian border? Buy some crap, gamble a bit and smuggle some prescription drugs through border security. He sure as hell can't depend on this administration to fill those prescription needs anymore.
7. Become Ashton Kutcher's co-host on "Punk'd" You prankster, you. We knew you were a natural when you fooled Condi into thinking we were invading North Korea! It's the role you were born to play. You've got the means and the sass. Now all you need is a trucker hat. 'Nuff said.
8. Join WWE Raw!!!!! And by that we are talking about Feldy's hide after getting rumbled by John Cena. No winners here, though, 'cause do you really want to see what the Donald is cooking?
9. Get a LiveJournal For so long, Donny Boy held his emotions inside and kept his feelings in check. However, with the help of Livejournal.com, Rumsfeld finally has learned to express what he had pent up inside by using emoticons instead of nuclear missiles. He also loves Dashboard.
10. Shoot squirrels I mean, what the hell is the second amendment for, anyway?
-COMPILED BY THE SCENE STAFF
