1. The rash resulting from trying to save money by buying less expensive make-up.
It's unfortunate when you miss class the day after Halloween due to the horrific, bright-red mask of theatrical make-up shame. You know all of your professors think you're hung over - and what's bothersome is not their loss of respect for you, but that you're actually not still vomiting up Jose Cuervo from the night before. At least that would signify a successful night.
2. Dressing slutty ... but not slutty enough.
If you're going to start eating meat after years of being a vegetarian, for goodness' sake break the seal with a tender, grade-A steak. If the skirt you wore for your skanky insert-female-archetype-here costume was just a little too short to have believably belonged to a hooker, you might as well have just made a last-minute stop at Frederick's of Hollywood and splurged on a French maid outfit.
3. Eating too much candy.
When we extolled the virtues of candy in last issue's Hit List, perhaps we spoke too soon. You know you lack any semblance of self-control or dignity when you find yourself turning off the lights, ignoring the doorbell and distant, frustrated cries of "TRICK OR TREAT!!!" as you huddle in a corner of your living room cradling a giant bowl of fun-size candy bars.
4. Thinking we were young enough to go trick-or-treating.
The "age ain't nothin' but a number" motto embraced by undesirable middle-aged women is unfortunately not applicable to most everyday activities. If you're too tall to play in the McDonald's playpen, then there's a good chance you will encounter scornful and suspicious glances from neighbors who want to save their candy for little girls dressed as bags of jellybeans. Wearing the beer can costume probably didn't help, either.
5. Unfortunate hook-ups resulting from face-concealing costumes.
You thought no one would find out? BUSTED.
6. Delusions of grandeur.
Sometimes you have to learn the hard way that a Superman costume does not guarantee the power of flight. Similarly, a Mardi Gras mask does not suddenly make you attractive. Remember, a costume is just a fa?ade; unless you're Dr. Octopus, you must shed your temporary skin and face your insecurities head-on the next day.
7. Showing up in costume at a non-costume party.
While there are positives to being the only person dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow at a formal engagement, it's not going to win you many friends. Or jobs.
8. Stealing candy from babies.
Surprisingly, not as easy as once thought. Mothers tend to have some kind of built-in radar system to detect anyone who approaches within a three-foot radius of their children. As your eyes dart back and forth between the giant, multi-colored lollipop in the baby's slobbery hand and the mother's icy glare that threatens to end your life without warning, it's probably more reasonable to just shovel out the 99 cents for your own delicious lollipop.
9. Using Halloween as an excuse to wear lame outfits.
Is that a joke, or do you think you look good right now?
10. Getting cock-blocked by a girl in a bumblebee costume.
I guess we deserved it for throwing away our Blind Melon cassette in high school. All I can say is that my life is pretty lame.
-Compiled by the Scene staff
