When I was a freshman, I indulged in as many friends and lovers that came my way. Every weekend it seemed like there was someone new to go out on a date with and a new group of friends inviting me to party. It was an endless smorgasbord of social interaction. The irony of my inaugural year was that as my appetite for meeting new people and going new places increased, my desire to actually consume food declined. No, it wasn't chemical dependency that brought about my gradual weight loss-just a standard-issue eating disorder.
My life in high school had been like growing up among the Amish compared to what it became in college. My high school friends and I never drank; hardly anyone was sexually active and there were no clubs to speak of in the vicinity. High school was no beauty contest. Our Lands End khakis and mandatory poly-blend polos were not designed to arouse. College was completely different.
For the first time, I was entitled to wear whatever I wanted on a daily basis. Unlike many schools, kids didn't habitually roll out of bed and go straight to class in their pajamas. Though sweat pants and T-shirts are not uncommon at AU, they are usually accompanied with trendy flip-flops and designer accessories. Whether you liked it, people actually seemed to care what you looked like. Pair this with being released from the closet and subject to an unprecedented amount of attention and life can very easily feel like it is spiraling out of control.
For some people, the sense that we are losing control can result in a variety of behaviors-eating disorders being just one of them-but that was the one I subconsciously chose. TDR was not out of the question, but my plate would be half-filled with carrots and celery sticks, and dessert was a dirty word. After I had descended to about 20 pounds less than my original weight, it was like a switch went off in my head. I realized how much harm I was doing to myself.
But sometimes we replace one bad behavior with another. My year abroad introduced me to the glories of nicotine, whose boost of energy eased my stress and replaced the dull pain of an empty stomach I had once considered an accomplishment to ignore. I still feasted daily on new acquaintances and potential lovers, keeping anxiety at bay with Camel Blues and Marlboro Lights. But after nearly two years of this hazing habit, the smoke literally began to clear.
Starving or smoking myself to death may have made me feel like I had a grasp on my life and loves, but I began to realize there was no quicker way to lose control. Worrying constantly about how we appear to others leaves very little time to really see ourselves. We fail to notice that everyone else is seeing a skinny, chain-smoking, arrogant young man posturing for the vapid crowd, who are too absorbed checking their own reflection in your eyes to notice that you are not what you appear to be.
So with a steady diet and smoking all but an inebriated indulgence, what else is there to deprive ourselves of? What else can ease the pain or steady the dizzying pace of our rotating world? A lover or friends can be a welcome distraction, and often a firm foundation on which to rest our frenzied heads, but both can sometimes add to our frustrations.
Perhaps the perfect diet is one that restricts our social life. So now I choose more wisely. I choose whom I want to give my time to, whom I want to go out with and who is worth spending a night at home with. I still adore a few evenings out with my friends and new additions to the menu are sometimes welcome, but I'm not hungry for everything I haven't tasted. I know the flavors I like and what excites and entices me. And though I no longer consider celery a delicacy, someone too sweet is still not my favorite flavor.
