It's Super Bowl week, and since nobody cares about two teams from the Midwest, here are my choices for the Hollywood All-Pro team, the best at every position from movies and television.
Quarterback: Jonathan Moxon, West Canaan Coyotes
There was a lot of competition at this position, from Steamin' Willie Beamen to Shane "Footsteps" Falco, but at the end of the day Moxon is the best movie quarterback of all time because of five little words: "I DON'T WANT YOUR LIFE."
Running Back: Al Bundy, Polk High Panthers
Films tend to overshadow the running back, so the most prolific running back in entertainment history also happens to be a Midwestern shoe salesman who once scored four touchdowns in one game.
Running Back #2: Jamie O'Hara, Notre Dame Fighting Irish
A career backup, O'Hara was a disappointment throughout his four years in South Bend, often being criticized for his lack of effort in practice. However, in his final game against Georgia Tech, O'Hara ignored his coach's play to run out the clock and threw a touchdown pass in order to get the defense back on the field and give Rudy a chance to play. Bonus points for also starring in "Swingers."
Wide Receiver: Rod Tidwell, Arizona Cardinals; Deacon Moss, The Mean Machine
Every team needs a pair of loudmouthed wide receivers, and it doesn't get much better than these two. While Tidwell is a little too short and hasn't had much of career since his big game against Dallas (unless you call starring in "Boat trip" a career), former prison inmate Moss brings the toughness that the team needs, as long as he doesn't get busted for cocaine again.
Tight End: Brian Murphy, Washington Sentinels
He's a deaf football player, not much explanation is needed.
Offensive Line: Billy Bob, West Canaan Coyotes; Manumana, Texas State Fightin' Armadillos; Rudy Zoltek, Urbania Giants
While at first these three appear to just be fat lineman that audiences laugh at for being fat, each brings something different to the team. Billy Bob owns a pig named Bacon, Zoltek scares away defenses with his obvious intestinal problems, and Manumana is Hawaiian.
Defensive Tackles: Andre Krimm, Texas State Fightin' Armadillos; Steve Lattimer, ESU Timberwolves
Former English professor Krimm will distract the opposing lineman with stories about the production of "First Kid" and "Jingle All the Way," while Lattimer will scare the hell out of them with his skeleton face paint. While some might criticize the selection of Lattimer due to reported steroid use, if Shawn Merriman can do it, why can't he?
Defensive Ends: RePete Smith, Hoover High Buccaneers; Daniel "Rudy" Ruettiger
Smith is on the team solely for the reason that his father's name is Pete and his is RePete. While some hope that Smith will name his son ThreePete, I hope we hit EightPete. Rudy gets on the team not only for being the subject of one of the great sports films of all time, but also for being indirectly responsible for the death of CTU's Edgar Stiles.
Right Outside Linebacker: Luther "Shark" Lavay, Miami Sharks
Shark once chain sawed through a car because someone insulted the defense. That is the kind of leadership we're looking for, so Shark is the defensive captain. The only concern is having him on the same team as Deacon Moss, because I don't know if there is enough cocaine in the world to accommodate those two together.
Middle Linebacker: Becky "The Icebox" O'Shea, Urbania Giants
The only female on the list, Becky probably hits harder than a majority of the guys on the team. She gets bonus points for playing the second half of a game in a cheerleader skirt without completely cutting up her legs. Also, the fact that she is Al Bundy's niece cancels out the fact that Rick Moranis is her dad.
Left Outside Linebacker: Robert Boucher Jr., South Central Louisiana State Mud Dogs
He's not the smartest player on the team, but do you remember the time that Bobby Boucher showed up at halftime and won the Bourbon Bowl, because I sure do.
Cornerbacks: Featherstone, Texas State Fightin' Armadillos; Patterson, Urbania Giants; Clifford Franklin, Washington Sentinels
One of the conventions of the football movie is the fast wide receiver who can't catch. Why the coaches never think to play them at cornerback is beyond me, so that is where these three end up.
Safeties: Alex Binder and Max Lerner, Hoover High Buccaneers
They may be real people, but they also led Hoover High to its fourth consecutive state championship and I struggled to think of defensive backs from movies.
Special Teams: Vince Papale, Philadelphia Eagles
An obvious choice because Marky Mark was so funny in "The Departed." Kicker: Barney Gorman, Philadelphia Eagles
You probably know him better as "The Garbage Picking, Field Goal Kicking, Philadelphia Phenomenon," and that is all I really have to say about that.
Punter: Paul "Wrecking" Crewe, The Mean Machine
This list would not be complete with Burt Reynolds. He may have been a quarterback, but he preformed a pretty nice dropkick that would translate to punting.
Coach: Herman Boone, T.C. Williams Titans
Obviously Tony D'Amato was a front-runner for this spot after his "Inches" speech, however Boone is clearly the right choice to coach an All-Star team, since his offensive playbook only consists of four plays.
