Life at AU is pretty standard. There are a few basic truths we all stand by: Wednesdays will always provide mac-and-cheese in TDR; the Tavern will always be lame; political science majors will always carry dorky briefcases. Nevertheless, there are a few things about this fine institution that we just don't get.
1. The Experimental Theater
The mere mention of this name overwhelms us with confusion. Like, what does that even mean? If this place were an actual theater, cool. If it were a theater of the experimental variety, then that's awesome. But it has been near-condemned for years. Let's at least open it up and do some interpretive dance in there.
2. Flame thing on top of Kay
Let's be honest with ourselves. The Kay Spiritual Life Center looks like a giant flaming cupcake. We're still searching for the religious symbolism in that. And while we support religious expression in all of its delicious forms, we can't help but think this blatantly pro-cupcake architecture isn't welcoming to croissant worshipers.
3. No Bravo on AU's cable.
As far as we're concerned, two of the greatest reality shows to ever hit the airwaves have been on Bravo. We have pretty much every channel (including, like, C-SPAN 18), save for this little gem of a network. We want our "Project Runway" and "Top Chef," and we want them NOW!
4. Shuttle schedule
Is there even a schedule? Riddle us that, AU.
5. The Butler elevator
The elevator in Bender seems to exist in some bizarre world, perhaps inspired by the peculiar office building in "Being John Malkovich." But this isn't the movies, and half-floors just do not make sense. It's kind of like when you were a kid, and you built a fort out of boxes, but some of the boxes were different sizes so the ceilings and floors of your fort didn't quite match up. That's how parts of AU were designed, and this elevator is apparently the clever solution.
6. The "Tavern?" Where are the brews?
Call it the Hangout, or the Maxx, or even the Dining Area - but the Tavern is NOT a bar. Sure, it's got that rad color scheme and some rocking lighting, but chicken fingers don't really constitute nightlife. If you're going to keep the name, bring us some Miller High Life on tap.
7. TDR posters for things TDR doesn't actually serve
Did you know that they have posters for things like dark chocolate, fresh fuji apples and delicious whole grains hanging downstairs in the beloved Terrace Dining Room? Next time you are down there, take a gander because it's as close as you're getting to eating that stuff in TDR.
8. Marketplace, really? No thanks.
We would love the Marketplace if it weren't for the inconvenient hours. We have no idea why on earth they are open only on weekdays between 11 a.m. and 3 p.m. Four hours of Pacific Rim is just not enough.
9. Calling basements "terraces"
A terrace is not a basement. In fact, it's quite the opposite. A terrace implies panoramic views and gorgeous vegetation. Come on AU, we're paying more than $900 a month to live on campus; don't stuff us in the basement like so many rejected bureaus and childhood toys. Don't even get us started on the Anderson Lower Level.
10. The Amphitheater
Seriously, who designs a dark and secluded garden on a campus that is supposedly devoted to students' safety? Picturesque as it may be in the daytime, at night our campus's beloved Amphitheater is essentially a prime hideout for sexual predators. Also, under cloak of darkness, it's just plain creepy. It may as well be an abandoned mental institution with a pet cemetery out back.
--Compiled by the Scene Stafft
